My First Christmas

Well, here it is: Holiday #2 of 3 to get through!  Though, I shouldn't say this has been a horrible experience.  It has been quite a trip though.  I've had lots of laughter, but I can't forget about the tears.

We celebrated our Christmas on Christmas Eve.  We had my sister and her kids come over for presents and dinner.  We also read the Christmas story out of Luke 2.  We opened our presents after dinner.  I got some pretty cool things.  I received a new camera, a few gift cards, my new tumbler glasses, and then, I opened a small box from Kay's.  My parents bought me this beautiful, black and white diamond dragonfly necklace.  When I first saw the small box, I immediately asked Mom, "Is this going to make me cry?"  And she said, "No."  Well, I did.  It was this beautiful, black and white diamond dragonfly necklace.  I looked up at my mom, and tears welled up in my eyes.  So many emotions came to surface in that moment.  It felt like time had stopped and everything came at me all at once.  I was happy to receive such a beautiful gift, so thankful to have amazing parents like mine.  But then, I had this other side of me that made me cry even more:  It shouldn't have been my parents to give me this beautiful gift.  It was "supposed to be" my husband.  But, well, we all know how that didn't happen.

So, I started crying.  Mom and I went in to the kitchen where I just cried.  I couldn't cry in front of the kids, and I needed my mom.  It all became fresh once again that I wasn't wanted by a man who was called my husband.  I am ok now, but it just hit me hard after I opened my present.

I have now come to this revelation: As much as our society makes this season about needing to be with family, needing to be with friends, needing to buy gifts for each other, we ultimately forget why we do celebrate this season.  We forget about the ultimate gift that we were given about 2000 years ago: A child was born in to a stall, and He was sent to die for all humanity.  Everything else fails in comparison to the best gift we could ever receive, and that is salvation.

So even in the midst of my tears, I have this gentle reminder that I have been given so much when I don't deserve it.  I have a Savior who loves me, and will always be there, even after the holidays.

Merry Christmas.

Killjoy

I had a moment today.

My mom and I went to Hobby Lobby to find some Christmas decorations and a few other things to get for my new cubicle at work.  As we were walking through the aisles of ornaments, lights, and garland, I silently thought back to a year ago with my ex-husband and I went through Hobby Lobby ourselves to find a stocking for me.  We had also talked about going out the day after Christmas to get Christmas decorations for the next Christmas.  Well, guess which Christmas we were referring to?  Yeop, this upcoming one.  (Even as I type this, tears are starting to well up in my eyes...)  I know that this is normal.  I know that I am still going to have moments like this where a memory will flash before me, and I'll get upset.

It's hard when someone makes a vow to you to love you through thick and thin and to be faithful only to you, then they strip it away from you as if it meant nothing to them.  Yea, I am feeling slightly upset right now.  I am once again torn at how I am supposed to feel, or what is the right thing to feel.  See, I don't want to give in to what human nature is telling me to feel.  I feel angry.  I am p/oed.  I am questioning.  I am shaking my fists.  The fist is so tight that my nails are digging in to the skin of my palm.  So, I guess "upset" is an understatement.

But why am I feeling this way?  I guess while sorting through my feelings, I've realized that I am upset because he broke his promise.  I've also realized that I am angry that things aren't going according to my plans.  Woah.  Break through point. 

The way I need to see it is that I can't plan things on my own because there are times God will just whisper, "Sorry, but I have better things in mind.  Your thoughts are not My thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.  My thoughts are so much higher and better than yours.  Trust me in this."  If you're like me and you need to plan things out for your life, that is such a killjoy to hear.  But at the same time, it's a very comforting thought that my God has everything under control, that He knows my needs better than I do.

OK, God, here are the reins once again.

Something Funny

I thought I would do a funny post tonight.  It's nothing much, but I hope you can get a chuckle out of it.

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest/Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day (<--This doesn't happen to me).

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said.

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.  (Especially on the Purdue campus!!)

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Social Acceptance

We were created to be social.  We were not meant to be isolated from one another.  It amazes me, though, how often we get caught up in the fact that we want to be accepted in social circles.

Especially me.

I live off of human interaction.  I love being able to talk to people and to get to know them.  But do you know what my issue is?  They don't want to get to know me.  I don't often fit in with certain circles.  And sometimes, that hurts, especially after last night. 

I went to a Christmas party where I knew everyone, but I felt very alone.  I found myself standing around, alone, and just watching people.  It was slightly intimidating.  But I know a few friends from work would be proud of me that I did that, especially since they want me to go to a movie or a restaurant by myself, but that will have to be something I do and then write about it.  Anyway, I felt alone, and somewhat hating it that I was there.  There were a few times that I almost left, but I just kept saying to myself to stay because, "it would get better."  Well, it really didn't.  I mean, I wasn't crying in the corner or anything, but I wasn't exactly smiling the entire night either.  It wasn't anyone's fault, per say, but I knew right from the beginning that I didn't belong in this type of crowd.  It's nothing they did, but it does suck when you really don't have anyone to talk to throughout the night. 

So, what's my point of this rambling nonsense?  Well, as I am writing out my thoughts, I keep thinking about what Christ has said about social acceptance for Christians: There is none. 

Ouch.  A little harsh, eh?  But I don't think He could make it any more clear.  Christ has stated flat out that the world will hate you because of Him.

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.  If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own.  As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.  That is why the world hates you."  John 15:18-19

"Everyone will hate you because of me."  Luke 21:17

Hmm...so much for acceptance.  My issue is that I want to be accepted and loved, but I can't help but reread the previous verses that it's not going to happen, at least, from the world.  But, I know I am loved by Someone who will accept me as I am.

One Down, Three to Go!

Sorry that this is a little late folks.  I have been very busy in my life, but I really wanted to write an update on how I did for my first Thanksgiving.

Welp, I survived my first major holiday as a single woman.  These last four days, I have been busy, yet it's been fun.  On Thanksgiving Day, my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece and nephew all came over.  My niece surprised me with this awesome place mat that she and my nephew made for me.  Of course, being the sap that I am, I started to tear up and hug her.  I love this little girl's hugs!  We ate the awesome food my mother made, and had an enjoyable time together.  There were a couple of times that I caught myself having a pity party, but I think I did fairly well, considering everything that I had been feeling for the last few weeks.

I've been wanting to write something for a while now about being thankful.  I have noticed that we complain so much about how our country is being ran, what is going on in government, the economy, the lack of jobs, of debt of the country.  We may have a lot of things going on in the country, but we should be thankful for what we do have.  We are still considered very rich compared to many countries in this world.  We are not stuck in a country where we have other tribes fighting against us and cause a genocide.  We aren't going through piles of trash just to find plastic bottles to earn money for our families to eat.  This may sound crass, but it really bothers me when I hear people complain about the jobs they have because they aren't being paid enough, or that they just aren't happy.  I want to lovingly state these facts:  To illustrate the income inequality between rich and poor countries, consider these facts: about 1.75 billion people live in multi-dimensional poverty, meaning extreme deprivation in education, health, and standard of living; 1.44 billion people out of the developing world's 6.9 billion people live on $1.25 per day; 2.6 billion people are estimated to be living on less than $2 a day. Multidimensional poverty varies by region from three percent in Europe and Central Asia to 65% in Sub-Saharan Africa.  This is according to the UN's 2010 Human Development Report. 

So, why should we make Thanksgiving a one-day event?  Shall we not make it something to practice every day?

Not very thankful

I will try to make this post easy to follow, but who am I kidding?  My mind tends to be filled with endless ramblings, especially when life likes to throw things in to your path, and I have no idea what to even do.  So, here we go...

We all know how I have not been looking forward to the holidays, especially New Year's and then my birthday.  Today kinda threw me in to a loop with the reality, "Holy crap, Thanksgiving is this week."  It snuck up on me, which then, made me start thinking about where I was a year ago, and my feelings, and this whirlwind of self-pity and loathing crashed upon me.  I think the girls were scared on the ride home because I was driving at this time from work in our carpool.  So, here I am, crying, driving, trying to see since it's dark out.  Yea.

My heart has been dragged in so many directions in 24 hours.  Do you know what a lot of it has to deal with?  Self-pity.  I have a choice in how my Thanksgiving will turn out.  Yea, it sucks that I'm going to be around people who do have their significant other, but I have a choice in how I react.  I am incredibly blessed to have a family who loves me dearly.  I have a niece and nephew who melt my heart every time they say, "I love you."  I have the best friends in the whole world, especially my Bestie.  I have an amazing career.  But most importantly, I have an awesome, loving, gracious, merciful God who has taken me back so many times when I have faltered.

"Comparison is the kiss of death of gratitude."

Ain't that the truth.  I've been comparing my life situation to everyone else around me that I have forgotten to be grateful for what I do have.

Ok, so no more self-pity.  No more allowing Satan to take a hold of my insecurities.  No more ungratefulness.  Just no more.

My Conversation

I always feel like I need to have a disclaimer when it comes to certain posts.  The following is a conversation that I've been having with God lately.  I've really been wrestling Him on this issue, and I can't seem to win.  Perhaps, that's the point...


Me:  Ok, Father.  You know that I have been having issues with certain things and people in my life.  I have asked for a clear cut sign on what to do with them.  You definitely gave them to me, but why am I feeling this way? 

Abba: In what way?

Me: I feel empty. 

Abba:  I gave you what you needed. 

Me: But this isn't what I want... 

Abba: Sometimes, what you want really isn't what you need.  I know what you need in your life.  I know what is best for you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

Me: But why am I feeling so empty and discouraged??

Abba:  You placed these things above me.  You sought fulfillment in something that only filled a void temporarily.  That thing wasn't perfect, and it failed you.  Why would you want to fully place your trust in something that will fail you eventually? 

Me:  Because it's something instant.

Abba:  Exactly.  But you have to remember that instant gratification is usually only temporary.  Let's apply it to this scenario: You are wanting to be a healthier person, right?  What will it take to become this way?  You can't do a crash-course diet plan, because eventually, you're either going to gain the weight back, or it's going to hurt you internally in the long run.  You eat right and you exercise.  You don't see the results right now, but over time, you will see how your body changes on the outside, how you feel on the inside, and how your heart becomes so much stronger over time.   

Me:  But why does this have to hurt?

Abba:  Again, it's like training:  Your muscles are going to be sore for a while, but do you quit?  No.  you endure through it and make them even stronger.  This life is hard, I know it is.  I know the pain you are feeling because my heart hurts when your heart hurts.  But I don't want you to give up.  You have Me.  I am in your corner.  I am right there with you, every step of the way.  When you are feeling weak, I will make you strong.  If you didn't know pain, you wouldn't know the pure joy that will follow.  I will give you perfect peace.  This is another opportunity for you to know Me and come closer to Me.  We will get through this.  Together.

Apology or Not?

I've been listening to a radio program in the morning while getting ready for work.  The last few days have been quite beneficial when it comes to apologies.  I never realized that just like the five languages of love, there are five languages of apology.  And just like the languages of love, if you receive an apology that omits your apology languages, chances are, you are not going to accept that apology, or even recognize it as an apology.   So, here are the five languages:

• Expressing Regret

  “Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.

• Accept Responsibility

  It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.

• Make Restitution

  In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.
  There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to make restitutions in the most effective way.
  For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate 
and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.
  
  Genuinely Repent
  For some individuals, repentance is the convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid 
the situation in the future.  It’s important to remember that all true repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.  One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.  Many people have problems with repenting when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.  It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.  It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.
  
  
• Request Forgiveness
   In some relationships, a mate wants to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.  Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.  Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it.  Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting. 

When I apologize, I try to hit on all five languages.  I think I've apologized enough in my life where I seem to have it down to a science.  Ha ha.  But joking aside, it's ultimately not just what you say; it's about the motive in your heart.  Are you apologizing in whatever way to just move on from things, or to "just get it done?"  Or are you truly repentant in that you want to restore the relationship with the person you wronged?  I know that there are times I need to look in my own heart and find out why I am apologizing to the person I wronged.

I really don't have some sort of thought-provoking closer for this.  So much for being inspirational.  Ha.

Small Rant

Just something on my mind after attending church this morning.  Hopefully, this won't offend anyone.  Haha.  Nevermind.  I know it will.

Anyway, there is a church we've been attending that takes communion every week.  Ok, cool.  Not a big deal.  Here is my issue:  I believe that we as Christians take Christ's death to the extreme.  Why do I say that?  Well, the songs that we usually sing is about how glorious the cross is, or how much we are in debt to Christ because of the cross.  Do not get me wrong in that I don't think Christ's death was important.  It was very important.  Without the death of the Perfect Lamb, we would never have any hope to live eternally with God.  That cross is our bridge for eternal life.  In simple terms, it's like this:

Ok, we got our Sunday School lesson out of the way.  What I am focusing on is the last picture.  Without the cross, we would have no way to reach God; however, we are so focused upon Christ's death that we often forget that it would be completely insignificant without Him rising from the dead.  (No offense to those who are from other religions, but this is where I'll get myself in to trouble.)  See, Christianity is completely different from other religions because we believe in someone who wasn't just another man who walked the earth, did some miracles, gave us some rules to live by, and then just die.  It's the fact that He rose from the dead that makes our belief completely different from anything else.  If Christ had not risen from the dead, the death of the cross would be completely useless and insignificant.

So, ladies and gents, when we take our communion, yes, do it in remembrance of Christ in what He had done for us, but also remember that He just didn't stay dead.

/rant

One Step Forward

I took another step forward tonight, ladies and gents.

These last four months have been a process of becoming a better, not bitter, person.  Yea, this post may sound a bit materialistic, but unless you've been married yourself, you would understand where I am coming from.

I bought a new ring for myself tonight.  Yes, I'm wearing it on my left ring finger.  Ever since I threw my ring at my ex, (not my finest moment,) my finger has been naked ever since.  Yea, I wasn't married a long time, but having a wedding ring was something meaningful to me.  It mean I belonged to someone.  It symbolized a union with someone that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

Obviously, we see how that worked out.

I bought myself a new pearl ring.

Pearls are so beautiful.  Pearls take a long time to make.  Not all pearls are all perfectly round, like the one in my ring.  It makes it more valuable.  Well, that's why I now wear this pearl ring on my wedding finger: I am valuable and rare, just like a perfectly round pearl, and that my pearl of a future relationship takes time, just like the making of a pearl.  This ring, above all, is a reminder that the perfect things, the rare things, take time.

Looking forward and up.

My Mommy

My mom is pretty much amazing, so this post is dedicated to her.

I am incredibly blessed to have the relationship that I have with my parents, especially with my mom.  she has been my rock through a lot of my hard times, especially with my divorce.  Growing up, she was a mom. She disciplined me when I was in trouble.  She praised me when I did well.  She and my dad came to all of my competitions and shows.  She and my dad sacrificed so much for all three of us girls.  They have worked their tails off in order for us to have a good home.  We've never had a lot of money, but they always worked with what we had.  She taught me to always do my best.  Whenever I was in a predicament, she would help me see the different options that I had.  The only times she would tell me what to do is if it would affect the rules of the house, or if it affected my overall well being.

As I have gotten older, she has transitioned from being a "mom" to "my best friend."  Of course, she will always be "my mom," but it's a different relationship that I have with her than what I had while growing up.  We go out together and we have a good time with each other.  She surprised me with tickets to go see Beauty and the Beast.  On Thursday, my mom took me to see it at Elliot Hall of Music.  Of course, Beauty and the Beast is the best Disney movie out there, so why shouldn't it be the best musical out there?  (I have yet to see Wicked, so for now, it's Beauty and the Beast.) Even with the craziness of Purdue traffic (uuuuugh) and little kids misbehaving throughout the show, I had an amazing time with this woman.

My point?  I can only hope that I can be a mom like her one day.  She has been the best example of how a wife and mother should act. 

I love you, Mom!

What does that say?? (PS included)

Oh my goodness gracious.  I am just struggling at this point.  This post, I am definitely needing some feedback from people.  I am struggling with what my human nature is wanting vs. what the Holy Spirit is needing me to do, or at least, what I think He is wanting me to do.

I have been writing so much about forgiveness and loving our neighbor.  It's been a struggle with me in that area when it has come to certain people in my life.  I am not going to go in to detail as to why because I don't want to air more dirty laundry than what I already do, and it's out of respect for them.  My question is: When do you cut those people out of your life when they consistently bring you down?  Do you actually cut ties with them, or do you continue to forgive and keep remedying the friendship?  Is there a time that a Christian is suppose to say, "Enough is enough"?

I am called to love my neighbor as I love myself.  I am also to forgive my neighbor.  I am to also love my enemy:

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you”  Luke 6:27 ESV

And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.  Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth…2 Timothy 2:24–26 (NIV)

 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16 (NIV)

The second is this: ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”   Mark 12:31

Well, that's pretty clear....but then, I have these verses to turn to:

Can two walk together, except they be agreed? Amos 3:3


Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?   2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”    1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV)

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Timothy 3:1-5

And then, Jesus says this about an unrepentant brother:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."  Matthew 18:15-17

 Pretty clear about those, right?  When we develop close relationships with those who reject God, we risk being influenced in a negative way.  We risk being associated with certain ideology or beliefs that the other person may have.  But again, my issue is, did Christ also not go to those who were unbelievers, the lowest of lows?  The “religious leaders” of Christ’s day had this philosophy of “pagan friend shedding.” Seeing Christ eating and drinking with unbelievers (befriending them), they began to look down upon him. Christ responded by telling them that “it is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick."  (Matthew 9:2)

So, friends, this is where you step in.  I really do need some advice on this.  You have seen the evidence I have presented, and why I am in conflict.  Maybe this is a personal conviction issue, but I would appreciate feedback.

PS.  I do want to say that I am OK, emotionally.  After reading this, I realized that, "Wow, I sound depressed."  That isn't the case.  This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and I decided to voice it, and open it up to others.  Kthanx.

An Update

Hello all!

I've been writing mainly encouraging posts, but I have yet to write about what is going on in my life.  after all, this blog is about me.  Ha ha.

I am in the week six of my training with my new job.  It has been quite a ride thus far.  I've met some awesome people, and it's been an encouragement to me.  If you actually know me, you know I am a social butterfly, so I am trying to get to know everyone around me.  It's been a challenge since there's 78 of us training.  Either way, I've been blessed.  There is a lot to learn, and not a lot of time left to learn it.  My biggest fear is that I won't have this stuff down by the time training is over.  God is in control, and I know everything will work out in His plan.

Dating.  Oh dear.  Where to begin??  Well, I was seeing someone for about eight weeks, but we recently had to end things due to complications and compatibility issues.  I will say though, I owe this guy a lot.  He taught me how to shoot.  He taught me about some inner strengths I never thought I had.  He showed me that I am a beautiful woman, both inside and out.  He had also taught me that I am deserving of a good guy who will treat me well.  He has also shown me that there are some weaknesses that I need to work on.  Remember that post about being careful with my words?  Yea, you can thank him for that inspiration.  Patience?  Same thing.  Forgiveness?  Yea.  God brings people in our lives for a reason, even if it is just for a season.  I do pray for him every day, just like I pray for my ex, that he would find true happiness in Christ, in that, I hope I planted a seed, and someone else can help make it grow.

Otherwise, I am single, and I am happy.  There are days I will struggle with it, just like I wrote on the post about waiting.  I am not looking forward to the holidays right now, but my prayer is that God will grant me the peace in knowing that my relationship with Christ is the most fulfilling, and I don't need a man during the holidays to make me happy.  That is my goal.  Of course, if someone wants to kiss me at midnight for New Year's, I may not turn it down... Ha ha.  But I will not pursue.  If someone is interested, he needs to pursue me.  (Sorry, gentlemen.  I'm old fashioned.)

A lesson I learned this week:  Respect is given, not earned.  Wait, isn't the saying the other way around?  Well, technically, yes, it is, but are we as Christians supposed to live that way?  Hmmm.  Let's take a look:  We are supposed to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  We are supposed to forgive infinitely.  Anyone who says they love God and not their neighbor is a liar.  Are love and respect the same thing?  They go hand in hand, in my opinion.  Usually, if you love someone, you respect them.  So, why is it that we live in that mind frame if we call ourselves Christians?

I'll go chew on that for a bit.

Wandering

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, written by Robert Robinson

There is nothing like singing a good hymn on a Sunday morning.  There is also nothing better when you actually read the lyrics of a hymn and get something out of it.  I read through the lyrics of, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing," and realize how good God's grace is to us.  

"Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood."

I was a stranger to God due to my sin; however, Jesus sought me.  Jesus died for me, though I was an enemy of God.  When after accepting Christ as my personal Savior, my heart will "prone to wander."  Again, Jesus seeks after me.  He doesn't want to just leave me.

So Jesus told them this story:  “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it?  (Luke 15:3-4)

But that is not all.  I have to make the choice to turn around my life and go back to God, as well.  It's like the Parable of the Lost Son.

To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons.
  “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.
 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’
 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.  His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’
 “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet.  And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.

 The son realizes what his life has become and chooses to turn back around to his father.  Unfortunately, it had to take him to be eating out of the same feeding stalls as pigs.  Isn't it funny how sometimes, we have to be in the muck and grime of life to realize what it has become in order to get back to God?  Either way, God accepts us back with His arms open. 

"Here's my heart, Oh take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Hypocrites

I very much dislike hypocrites.  I very much dislike those who have standards and then turn around and break their own standards.  I very much dislike when people have these high expectations for others, but then don't hold those same expectations for themselves.

..Oh wait, don't we all do that?  It's so hard for a Christian to declare they are a follower of Christ, and then not have their flaws pointed out so easily.  I am flawed, too.  I mess up.  I am prideful.  I get angry and do things out of my anger.  I will hit below the belt because I don't want to be the only one hurting.  I am flawed.  It's only by my choice and the help of God that can change who I am, though it would be a daily effort. 

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.  

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge. 
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

I. Hate. Waiting.

 

I will openly admit it:  I am very impatient.  Now, when I say that I am very impatient, that means, I am very impatient.  I like getting things done right away.  It's funny because I have been organizing getting shirts for my fellow coworkers, and there's 78 of us total.  I had to send out a mass email to see who all was interested in getting a shirt.  I had everything organized, and I will tell you, I am proud of my Excel sheet that I have.  Anyway, people were slowly responding.  It's reminds me of RSVP cards for weddings: You set a deadline when people need to RSVP, but people still don't RSVP by the deadline, and you have to go call those people to get a response.  Yea, I hated doing that for my own wedding. So, here I am, getting frustrated because I need to know answers to get an estimate for the t-shirt costs.

But just look at the before statement.  Sense the tone of it?  Sense the selfishness of it?  I, frustrated, I, need.  Starting to get a better picture here?  It's back to instant gratification for me.  Ugh.  And I do get frustrated with myself because it does affect those around me, especially to whom I love.

I pray for patience all of the time, but God never seems to grant it...

Oh, wait, yes, He does.  He does it by giving us situations to learn what we pray for.  He has been doing a pretty good job of that lately.  I've been struggling lately with the idea of being alone for the holidays.  I no longer have that significant other to be by my side and with our families.  I have found myself crying in the shower because I start to think about it.  (How pathetic is that??)  I don't have the mindset that I need a guy to be happy, but it's always the holidays that can make a girl feel like crap when she doesn't, especially when she is the only one in the room that doesn't have her SO by her side.

I know God is trying to work in me.  I know He is, but I hate how slow the process is.  I cry every time I read this, but I know it's true.  God is telling me to keep waiting on Him, and He is going to do something awesome in my life.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Awkward Turtle

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just wanted to do the awkward turtle?  If you do not know what I am referring to, please look below:

You essentially whip out the awkward turtle during an awkward moment of conversation, or just an awkward moment period.  I have been getting a lot of those lately at my new job with our "Get to Know You," activities, or just chatting in general.

People get awkward about divorces. 

How do I know?  The tone everything completely changes when you tell someone that you are divorced at 23.  They look at you with confusion, then mumble something, then say that they are sorry.  I look at them, smile, and say, "You didn't cause it.  He did."  Boy, that tends to make them shift uncomfortably.  I just find it so interesting how I am able to talk about my divorce with ease.  I mean, I don't blab it around or anything of that sort.  We were all talking about marriages and the like, and I mentioned something about mine, and people looked at me as if I was a crazy person.  They saw I didn't have a wedding ring on and asked if I was married.  I said, "No, I was, but I am divorced."  Then, they ask how old I am.  "I'm 23."  [insert awkward turtle here.]  People don't know how to handle it that I am so young and divorced already.  Heck, sometimes I wonder how I am handling it as well as I am right now.  But, well, that is what happens when you have an amazing God that I can fully depend on to help me through anything, even during one of the darkest times of my life.

No awkward turtle here.

Sweet as Honey

This saying is hung in my mother's kitchen:

I certainly didn't pray that prayer today.  It was one of those days that I just didn't need to speak.  I am surely reminded of this when I hurt someone I love and care for.  I feel extremely guilty right now because I wasn't thinking at all this afternoon.  I hate it when anger takes control of the tongue.  There are so many verses that I can reference from the Bible when it comes to the tongue.  I will only name a few.


The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.  Proverbs 15:4

Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.  Proverbs 17:28

(I need to remember this next one...)  Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.  Proverbs 21:23

James 3 talks about taming of the tongue:

Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?

I think we underestimate the power of the tongue.  The tongue is like a sword, and it can kill a person with its words.  Unhealthy attitudes of anger, irritation, frustration, and impatience—even disappointment, stress, guilt, and insecurity—all contribute to our damaging speech. And as we cut with our words, we wound and divide friendships and relationships.  We need to watch what we say. Gossip and slander are out, and words that hurt instead of heal are not welcome. Boasting, lying, and all the rest of the ways we use words to hurt and divide need to be gone as well. In their place, words that extend love and the healing power of forgiveness, mercy, and truth should rule our words and relationships.

To the person I have hurt today:  I cannot make any excuses for what I have said and how I have hurt you with my words.  I am sorry.

Lord, forgive me where I have faltered.  Help me to guard what I say, even when I am angry.  I want to use my tongue to extend love, forgiveness, mercy, and truth.  Make my words as sweet as honey.

Choosing to Love

Today's sermon was titled, "Choosing to Love."  I have always firmly believed that love was a choice.  If it weren't a choice, then how could it be love?  We are not robots.  We are free-feeling human beings to make choices on emotions, and that why these emotions can be very special.  So, I want to talk about love.

We read about all of these quotes about love to try to describe its meaning.  I often go to thinkexist.com (you're welcome for the free advertising) to find some interesting quotes.  Here is what I have found:

“Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with.”

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”

I actually really like the last one.  I can be applied to a few issues I have had this past week.  However, that is not the point of this post.

To find out what I believe love is, I turn to the Truth:  The Bible.  (*gasp* offensive material ahead!)  I will be using my sermon notes from this morning to also help me with this post.  I turn to Mark 12:30-31:

 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no commandment greater than these."

1 Corinthians 13:13:

"Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love."

Galatians 5:14:

"The whole law is made complete in this one command: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.'"

As you can see, there is a pattern going on here.  Love must be pretty darn important, according to the Bible, especially to 1) your God, and 2) your neighbor.

But what is Genuine Love?  Genuine love is more than a feeling.  Feelings are always flip-flopped around.  It can change in an instant.  Genuine love is not some uncontrollable force.  (So, the 2nd quote above, you can see that I disagree with because genuine love is a choice, and that can be controlled.)  Genuine love is more than attraction.  We are attracted to what we value.  We can have that physical or mental attraction to someone, but is that what we ultimately value when it comes to love and relationships?

What does the Bible say about love?  First, love is a choice.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  and over all of these virtues on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."  Colossians 3:12-14

Remember in my last post about forgiveness in it being a choice?  It goes for love as well.

Love is something we do. We show love through out actions.  It really astonishes me sometimes how we tell someone that we love them, but our actions speak otherwise.  I know I have lost my temper so many times with the people I say that I love, but losing that temper says otherwise.  Or, when I don't forgive someone of their wrong-doings, I am not showing that I love them. 

Biblical Love: Unconditional, self-sacrificing commitment to help someone become all that God created them to be; and to do all that God planned for them to do.

I want to become a loving person.  I will choose to be patient.  Patience is a calm acceptable for a person at that time.  Christ says, "Come as your are."  We go to Him, scorned, sinful, and wretched.  Now, that is to say, we are to accept that person that they will stay that way.  Remember how we were when we first came to Christ, and how we are now?  I hope that we have all seen changes in our lives, but it has taken time.  Everyone grows at different rates.  Thus, we must be patient. 

I want to become a loving person.  I will choose to be kind.  "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you."  Ephesians 4:32.  Kindness involves caring for someone in the mundane days of life. 

I want to become a loving person.  I will choose to be secure.  To have security in Christ's love is essential.  There is no better feeling.  You choose not to be a victim in life's hardships.  You don't go around blaming everyone else for the trials in your life.  The only way life is fair is that it's unfair to everyone.  But even in the midst of our hardships, knowing that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ brings me perfect peace.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I want to become a loving person.  I choose to have a servant's heart.  Okay.  Woah.  Time out.  So, you mean, I get to let everyone walk all over me?  No.  Having a servant's heart means that you are not self-seeking.  You invest your life in those around you without expecting anything in return.  You give up your own selfishness in order to become a better person.  Who likes a selfish person?  Who wants to have a selfish heart?  I certainly don't.

I want to become a loving person.  I will choose to go the distance.  I will persevere through life's hardships.  Love always protects, trusts hopes, and always perseveres.

Love never fails.

It's Quite a Read

It has been a very long time since I have written in this.  I very much apologize to my readers and followers.

Be prepared.  This is a long blog entry.

Last Thursday, my divorce was finalized.  In the eyes of the court, I am an officially single woman.  *cheers*  I never thought that I would honestly be this happy about it, but to my surprise, I am.  It's like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.  I am very thankful we did not have children, because I am going to be honest, the man is a jerk, and I don't want to deal with him for the rest of his or my existence.  So, we said our goodbyes last Thursday when he called me for the (hopefully) final time.  He told me, "Goodbye Ellen.  I hope you have a nice life."  I said the same thing back to him, and I wanted to say more, call him every name in the book, but my tongue froze on me.  I guess now that I look at it, I would consider it divine intervention because my human side just wanted to rip him a new one.  However, what good would that have done?  Absolutely nothing.  It would have accomplished nothing.   Well, goodbye, Mr. K. 

Which leads me to a few thoughts of my own.   

What is forgiveness?  How do we truly forgive people?  Why is forgiveness so hard?  Do we really forgive someone if an incident occurs, and that incident keeps being brought up by the other party as a trump card?  How is it that we can say, “I forgive you,” when all that you do is bringing it up again and again?  Psalm 103:12 states, "...as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgressions from us."  Are we not to show the same example to those around us who have wronged us?

Let's take a look at Matthew 18:21-35.

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.  For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.  Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. ‘Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.   My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” 

Whew.  Wow.  That's a lot to take in.  I have been on quite a journey that last seven weeks when it has come to forgiveness.  But let's get deeper in to this passage.  I have found quite an insight on this passage of Scripture, thus, the following is not written by me. 

The disciples had been squabbling about pre-eminence in the kingdom which they thought was presently to appear. They had ventured to refer their selfish and ambitious dispute to Christ's arbitrament. He answered by telling them the qualifications of 'the greatest in the kingdom'—that they are to be humble like little children; that they are to be placable; that they are to use all means to reclaim offenders; and that, even if the offence is against themselves, they are to ignore the personal element, and to regard the offender, not so much as having done them harm, as having harmed himself by his evil-doing.

Peter evidently feels that that is a very hard commandment for a man of his temperament, and so he goes to Jesus Christ for a little further direction, and proposes a question as to the limits of this disposition: 'How often shall my brother sin?' The very question betrays that he does not understand what forgiveness means; for it is not real, if the 'forgiven' sin is stowed away safely in the memory. 'I can forgive, but I cannot forget,' generally means, 'I do not quite forgive.' We are not to take the pardoned offence, and carry it to a kind of 'suspense account,' to be revived if another is committed, but we are to blot it out altogether. Peter thought that he had given a very wide allowance when he said 'seven times.' Christ's answer lifts the whole subject out of the realm of hard and fast lines and limits, for He takes the two perfect numbers 'ten' and 'seven,' and multiplies them together, and then He multiplies that by 'seven' once more; and the product is not four hundred and ninety, but is innumerableness. He does not mean that the four hundred and ninety-first offence is outside the pale, but He suggests indefiniteness, endlessness. So, as I say, He lifts the question out of the region in which Peter was keeping it, thereby betraying that he did not understand what he was talking about, and tells us that there are no limits to the obligation.

A certain king has servants, whom he gathers together to give in their reckoning. And one of them is brought that owes him ten thousand talents. Now, it is to be noticed at the very outset that the analogy between debt and sin, though real, is extremely imperfect. No metaphor of that sort goes on all fours, and there has been a great deal of harm done to theology and to evangelical religion by carrying out too completely the analogy between money debts and our sins against God. But although the analogy is imperfect, it is very real. The first point that is to be brought out in this first part of the parable is the immense magnitude of every man's transgressions against God. Numismatists and arithmeticians may jangle about the precise amount represented by the thousand talents. It differs according to the talent which is taken as the basis of the calculation. There were several talents in use in the currency of ancient days. But the very point of the expression is not the specification of an exact amount, but the use of a round number which is to suggest an undefined magnitude. 'Ten thousand talents,' according to one estimate, is some two millions and a quarter of pounds sterling.  But I would point out that the amount is stated in terms of talents, and any talent is a large sum; and there are ten thousand of these; and the reason why the account is made out in terms of talents, the largest denomination in the currency of the period, is because every sin against God is a great sin. He being what He is, and we being what we are, and sin being what it is, every sin is large, although the deed which embodies it may be, when measured by the world's foot-rule, very small. For the essence of sin is rebellion against God and the enthroning of self as His victorious rival; and all rebellion is rebellion, whether it is found in arms in the field, or whether it is simply sulkily refusing obedience and cherishing thoughts of treason. We are always apt to go wrong in our estimate of the great and small in human actions, and, although the terms of magnitude do not apply properly to moral questions at all, there is no more conspicuous misuse of language than when we speak of anything which has in it the virus of rebellion against God, and the breach of His law, as being a small sin. It may be a small act; it is a great sin. Little rattlesnakes are snakes; they have rattles and poison fangs as really as the most monstrous of the brood that coils and hisses in some cave. So the account is made out in terms of talents, because every sin is a great one. I need not dwell upon the numerousness that is suggested. 'Ten thousand' is the natural current expression for a number that is not innumerable, but is only known to be very great. The psalmist says: 'They are more than the hairs of my head.' How many hairs had you in your head, David? Do you know? 'No!' And how many sins have you committed? Do you know? 'No!' The number is beyond count by us, though it may be counted by Him against whom they are done. Do you believe that about yourself, my friend, that the debit side of your account has filled all the page and has to be carried forward on to another? Do we any of us realize, as we all of us ought to do, the infinite number, and the transcendent greatness, of our transgressions against the Father?

_______________________

Mind.  Blown.  There is quite a bit more on this matter, but I wanted to end on this point. 

Forgiveness is like a gift.  What is the point of giving a gift?  Is it so that you are expecting something in return?  I would hope not.  Notice that one little word in “forgiveness.”  You give.  You don’t expect anything in return.  Forgiveness may (and should) be granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender.  That is true forgiveness.

Right

Doing the right thing will never be the easiest thing to do, but it will always be right.

I should probably listen to that advice sometime...

Idolize

So, this may be just a bunch of meaningless rambles, but I just need to get this out there.

Have you ever had the one person in your life that you have always turned to when in need?  You've had the one person that you have sought out to be the perfect companion that will never fail you?  I hate it when we invest so much in to a person and expect perfection.  Why do we do that?  Why do we expect perfection from imperfect people?  Why are we so surprised and hurt when that special person fails us one way or another?  Why do we get angry about it when we honestly have no right to do that?  Yea, we can get angry over the actions committed, but do we have a right to be angry at that person because they are imperfect beings? 

I guess that's what happens you place a person above your relationship with God.  I keep forgetting (and then being reminded) how I can't keep investing myself fully in other human beings when I need someone there for me.  It's that instant gratification that someone is right there beside you (physically), and things feel automatically better.  But then, when you have invested yourself in that person, and they fail you, we're just so surprised that a human being failed.  How in the world do we keep doing this to ourselves?  Again, instant gratification.  It's harder to trust Someone when they are not in flesh to be with us.  All I do know is that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.  I know He would never fail me. 

I just wished I would trust that more often.

Empty thoughts

Over the course of the last three weeks, there has been someone in my life who has helped me find an inner voice that I never thought I had.  I have been able to muster up some inner strength that I thought didn't even exist.  My friend has helped me realize that it is good to stand up for yourself.

As I have been finding this "strength,"  I have been fighting a battle with myself: How do I know if this "strength" is right or not?  How do I know that this "strength" just isn't anger built up inside from everything that has happened with this divorce?  And again, I think I have talked about this before that I do not want to be the door mat that everyone uses, yet I still want that humility that we are called to have.  Unfortunately, I am not "slow to anger," and that is what worries me about this inner "strength."  I don't want to throw cheap shots when someone makes me angry.  I can seriously be malicious when I am angry.  I don't want to belittle another person when they say something hurtful to me.  It is so hard to find that fine line of standing up for yourself without putting the other person down.  I don't want that.  That is not who I am as a person.  Heck, I don't want to do that to my ex.  Kinda scary, eh?  I guess you've grown when you've realized that not even your ex deserves that kind of disrespect.  Others may disagree, but honestly, it's immature.  I just want to be the bigger person in any sort of relationship in that I don't need to put down another person just so that I don't feel like I am being walked all over.  Again, it goes back to finding that medium, and I guess, finding out what true, righteous anger is about.  I guess there will be a post about that, after some much needed research and sleep.

I guess those are my thoughts for 2:30AM.