Not very thankful

I will try to make this post easy to follow, but who am I kidding?  My mind tends to be filled with endless ramblings, especially when life likes to throw things in to your path, and I have no idea what to even do.  So, here we go...

We all know how I have not been looking forward to the holidays, especially New Year's and then my birthday.  Today kinda threw me in to a loop with the reality, "Holy crap, Thanksgiving is this week."  It snuck up on me, which then, made me start thinking about where I was a year ago, and my feelings, and this whirlwind of self-pity and loathing crashed upon me.  I think the girls were scared on the ride home because I was driving at this time from work in our carpool.  So, here I am, crying, driving, trying to see since it's dark out.  Yea.

My heart has been dragged in so many directions in 24 hours.  Do you know what a lot of it has to deal with?  Self-pity.  I have a choice in how my Thanksgiving will turn out.  Yea, it sucks that I'm going to be around people who do have their significant other, but I have a choice in how I react.  I am incredibly blessed to have a family who loves me dearly.  I have a niece and nephew who melt my heart every time they say, "I love you."  I have the best friends in the whole world, especially my Bestie.  I have an amazing career.  But most importantly, I have an awesome, loving, gracious, merciful God who has taken me back so many times when I have faltered.

"Comparison is the kiss of death of gratitude."

Ain't that the truth.  I've been comparing my life situation to everyone else around me that I have forgotten to be grateful for what I do have.

Ok, so no more self-pity.  No more allowing Satan to take a hold of my insecurities.  No more ungratefulness.  Just no more.

My Conversation

I always feel like I need to have a disclaimer when it comes to certain posts.  The following is a conversation that I've been having with God lately.  I've really been wrestling Him on this issue, and I can't seem to win.  Perhaps, that's the point...


Me:  Ok, Father.  You know that I have been having issues with certain things and people in my life.  I have asked for a clear cut sign on what to do with them.  You definitely gave them to me, but why am I feeling this way? 

Abba: In what way?

Me: I feel empty. 

Abba:  I gave you what you needed. 

Me: But this isn't what I want... 

Abba: Sometimes, what you want really isn't what you need.  I know what you need in your life.  I know what is best for you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

Me: But why am I feeling so empty and discouraged??

Abba:  You placed these things above me.  You sought fulfillment in something that only filled a void temporarily.  That thing wasn't perfect, and it failed you.  Why would you want to fully place your trust in something that will fail you eventually? 

Me:  Because it's something instant.

Abba:  Exactly.  But you have to remember that instant gratification is usually only temporary.  Let's apply it to this scenario: You are wanting to be a healthier person, right?  What will it take to become this way?  You can't do a crash-course diet plan, because eventually, you're either going to gain the weight back, or it's going to hurt you internally in the long run.  You eat right and you exercise.  You don't see the results right now, but over time, you will see how your body changes on the outside, how you feel on the inside, and how your heart becomes so much stronger over time.   

Me:  But why does this have to hurt?

Abba:  Again, it's like training:  Your muscles are going to be sore for a while, but do you quit?  No.  you endure through it and make them even stronger.  This life is hard, I know it is.  I know the pain you are feeling because my heart hurts when your heart hurts.  But I don't want you to give up.  You have Me.  I am in your corner.  I am right there with you, every step of the way.  When you are feeling weak, I will make you strong.  If you didn't know pain, you wouldn't know the pure joy that will follow.  I will give you perfect peace.  This is another opportunity for you to know Me and come closer to Me.  We will get through this.  Together.

Apology or Not?

I've been listening to a radio program in the morning while getting ready for work.  The last few days have been quite beneficial when it comes to apologies.  I never realized that just like the five languages of love, there are five languages of apology.  And just like the languages of love, if you receive an apology that omits your apology languages, chances are, you are not going to accept that apology, or even recognize it as an apology.   So, here are the five languages:

• Expressing Regret

  “Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.

• Accept Responsibility

  It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.

• Make Restitution

  In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.
  There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to make restitutions in the most effective way.
  For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate 
and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.
  
  Genuinely Repent
  For some individuals, repentance is the convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid 
the situation in the future.  It’s important to remember that all true repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.  One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.  Many people have problems with repenting when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.  It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.  It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.
  
  
• Request Forgiveness
   In some relationships, a mate wants to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.  Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.  Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it.  Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting. 

When I apologize, I try to hit on all five languages.  I think I've apologized enough in my life where I seem to have it down to a science.  Ha ha.  But joking aside, it's ultimately not just what you say; it's about the motive in your heart.  Are you apologizing in whatever way to just move on from things, or to "just get it done?"  Or are you truly repentant in that you want to restore the relationship with the person you wronged?  I know that there are times I need to look in my own heart and find out why I am apologizing to the person I wronged.

I really don't have some sort of thought-provoking closer for this.  So much for being inspirational.  Ha.

Small Rant

Just something on my mind after attending church this morning.  Hopefully, this won't offend anyone.  Haha.  Nevermind.  I know it will.

Anyway, there is a church we've been attending that takes communion every week.  Ok, cool.  Not a big deal.  Here is my issue:  I believe that we as Christians take Christ's death to the extreme.  Why do I say that?  Well, the songs that we usually sing is about how glorious the cross is, or how much we are in debt to Christ because of the cross.  Do not get me wrong in that I don't think Christ's death was important.  It was very important.  Without the death of the Perfect Lamb, we would never have any hope to live eternally with God.  That cross is our bridge for eternal life.  In simple terms, it's like this:

Ok, we got our Sunday School lesson out of the way.  What I am focusing on is the last picture.  Without the cross, we would have no way to reach God; however, we are so focused upon Christ's death that we often forget that it would be completely insignificant without Him rising from the dead.  (No offense to those who are from other religions, but this is where I'll get myself in to trouble.)  See, Christianity is completely different from other religions because we believe in someone who wasn't just another man who walked the earth, did some miracles, gave us some rules to live by, and then just die.  It's the fact that He rose from the dead that makes our belief completely different from anything else.  If Christ had not risen from the dead, the death of the cross would be completely useless and insignificant.

So, ladies and gents, when we take our communion, yes, do it in remembrance of Christ in what He had done for us, but also remember that He just didn't stay dead.

/rant

One Step Forward

I took another step forward tonight, ladies and gents.

These last four months have been a process of becoming a better, not bitter, person.  Yea, this post may sound a bit materialistic, but unless you've been married yourself, you would understand where I am coming from.

I bought a new ring for myself tonight.  Yes, I'm wearing it on my left ring finger.  Ever since I threw my ring at my ex, (not my finest moment,) my finger has been naked ever since.  Yea, I wasn't married a long time, but having a wedding ring was something meaningful to me.  It mean I belonged to someone.  It symbolized a union with someone that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

Obviously, we see how that worked out.

I bought myself a new pearl ring.

Pearls are so beautiful.  Pearls take a long time to make.  Not all pearls are all perfectly round, like the one in my ring.  It makes it more valuable.  Well, that's why I now wear this pearl ring on my wedding finger: I am valuable and rare, just like a perfectly round pearl, and that my pearl of a future relationship takes time, just like the making of a pearl.  This ring, above all, is a reminder that the perfect things, the rare things, take time.

Looking forward and up.

My Mommy

My mom is pretty much amazing, so this post is dedicated to her.

I am incredibly blessed to have the relationship that I have with my parents, especially with my mom.  she has been my rock through a lot of my hard times, especially with my divorce.  Growing up, she was a mom. She disciplined me when I was in trouble.  She praised me when I did well.  She and my dad came to all of my competitions and shows.  She and my dad sacrificed so much for all three of us girls.  They have worked their tails off in order for us to have a good home.  We've never had a lot of money, but they always worked with what we had.  She taught me to always do my best.  Whenever I was in a predicament, she would help me see the different options that I had.  The only times she would tell me what to do is if it would affect the rules of the house, or if it affected my overall well being.

As I have gotten older, she has transitioned from being a "mom" to "my best friend."  Of course, she will always be "my mom," but it's a different relationship that I have with her than what I had while growing up.  We go out together and we have a good time with each other.  She surprised me with tickets to go see Beauty and the Beast.  On Thursday, my mom took me to see it at Elliot Hall of Music.  Of course, Beauty and the Beast is the best Disney movie out there, so why shouldn't it be the best musical out there?  (I have yet to see Wicked, so for now, it's Beauty and the Beast.) Even with the craziness of Purdue traffic (uuuuugh) and little kids misbehaving throughout the show, I had an amazing time with this woman.

My point?  I can only hope that I can be a mom like her one day.  She has been the best example of how a wife and mother should act. 

I love you, Mom!

What does that say?? (PS included)

Oh my goodness gracious.  I am just struggling at this point.  This post, I am definitely needing some feedback from people.  I am struggling with what my human nature is wanting vs. what the Holy Spirit is needing me to do, or at least, what I think He is wanting me to do.

I have been writing so much about forgiveness and loving our neighbor.  It's been a struggle with me in that area when it has come to certain people in my life.  I am not going to go in to detail as to why because I don't want to air more dirty laundry than what I already do, and it's out of respect for them.  My question is: When do you cut those people out of your life when they consistently bring you down?  Do you actually cut ties with them, or do you continue to forgive and keep remedying the friendship?  Is there a time that a Christian is suppose to say, "Enough is enough"?

I am called to love my neighbor as I love myself.  I am also to forgive my neighbor.  I am to also love my enemy:

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you”  Luke 6:27 ESV

And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.  Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth…2 Timothy 2:24–26 (NIV)

 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16 (NIV)

The second is this: ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”   Mark 12:31

Well, that's pretty clear....but then, I have these verses to turn to:

Can two walk together, except they be agreed? Amos 3:3


Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?   2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”    1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV)

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Timothy 3:1-5

And then, Jesus says this about an unrepentant brother:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."  Matthew 18:15-17

 Pretty clear about those, right?  When we develop close relationships with those who reject God, we risk being influenced in a negative way.  We risk being associated with certain ideology or beliefs that the other person may have.  But again, my issue is, did Christ also not go to those who were unbelievers, the lowest of lows?  The “religious leaders” of Christ’s day had this philosophy of “pagan friend shedding.” Seeing Christ eating and drinking with unbelievers (befriending them), they began to look down upon him. Christ responded by telling them that “it is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick."  (Matthew 9:2)

So, friends, this is where you step in.  I really do need some advice on this.  You have seen the evidence I have presented, and why I am in conflict.  Maybe this is a personal conviction issue, but I would appreciate feedback.

PS.  I do want to say that I am OK, emotionally.  After reading this, I realized that, "Wow, I sound depressed."  That isn't the case.  This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and I decided to voice it, and open it up to others.  Kthanx.