Killjoy

I had a moment today.

My mom and I went to Hobby Lobby to find some Christmas decorations and a few other things to get for my new cubicle at work.  As we were walking through the aisles of ornaments, lights, and garland, I silently thought back to a year ago with my ex-husband and I went through Hobby Lobby ourselves to find a stocking for me.  We had also talked about going out the day after Christmas to get Christmas decorations for the next Christmas.  Well, guess which Christmas we were referring to?  Yeop, this upcoming one.  (Even as I type this, tears are starting to well up in my eyes...)  I know that this is normal.  I know that I am still going to have moments like this where a memory will flash before me, and I'll get upset.

It's hard when someone makes a vow to you to love you through thick and thin and to be faithful only to you, then they strip it away from you as if it meant nothing to them.  Yea, I am feeling slightly upset right now.  I am once again torn at how I am supposed to feel, or what is the right thing to feel.  See, I don't want to give in to what human nature is telling me to feel.  I feel angry.  I am p/oed.  I am questioning.  I am shaking my fists.  The fist is so tight that my nails are digging in to the skin of my palm.  So, I guess "upset" is an understatement.

But why am I feeling this way?  I guess while sorting through my feelings, I've realized that I am upset because he broke his promise.  I've also realized that I am angry that things aren't going according to my plans.  Woah.  Break through point. 

The way I need to see it is that I can't plan things on my own because there are times God will just whisper, "Sorry, but I have better things in mind.  Your thoughts are not My thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.  My thoughts are so much higher and better than yours.  Trust me in this."  If you're like me and you need to plan things out for your life, that is such a killjoy to hear.  But at the same time, it's a very comforting thought that my God has everything under control, that He knows my needs better than I do.

OK, God, here are the reins once again.