Forgive Infinitely.

Wounds can fester into infections if left untreated. That's exactly how unforgiveness works. Whatever was done to us pierced our skin, but if we keep prying it open and looking at the wound, it won't be able to heal; instead, because it is continually exposed to the dirty air, it becomes infected. That infection in the spiritual realm is welcoming to unclean spirits, which fester the wound even more. If something isn't done, the person ends up facing demonic harassment and torture, and becomes a very bitter and unhappy person.

But there are times when we feel that a person doesn't deserve our forgiveness.  "They don't realize what they've even done to me!  They don't deserve anything, much less than my forgiveness!" They certainly don't deserve your forgiveness, much less God's, but none of us deserve what Jesus did for us either.  The Bible, in my opinion, is very black and white in this area:  Forgive others, just as God has forgiven you.  I don't think it can get any clearer than that.  In fact, Christ even told Peter to forgive, "seventy-seven times."  Now, He wasn't saying to keep track of how many times you forgive a person.  It is synonymous of God's eternal forgiveness.  There is no limit to forgiveness.

And I can hear the questions already coming up, and trust me, I've been dealing with them myself.

WHAT ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SAYS, “I CAN FORGIVE BUT I CAN’T FORGET?”

Almost all of us have experienced the problem of forgiving someone the best way we know how and then discovering that angry thoughts still fill our minds.
In pondering this problem, my mind ran to a scripture in the Book of Hebrews which speaks of God’s forgiveness of our sins. Surely if we have trouble forgetting, what about God who never forgets anything? Hebrew 10:17 quotes God as saying, “Their sins and their lawless acts I will remember no more.” Underline that last phrase, “I will remember no more.” God’s forgiveness means He chooses not to remember our sins.

That’s helpful, isn’t it? Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not a feeling or a mood or a passing notion. Forgiveness does not mean we somehow wipe out of our mind the record of what happened. Forgiveness means we choose not to remember it. That is, there is a big difference between remembering something and dwelling on it. Indeed, we can all remember (if we try hard enough) things in the past that have hurt us deeply. Forgiveness means we choose not to dwell on those things. It also means we choose not to hold a grudge against someone who has wronged us.

So in that sense, to forgive means to choose to forget. And in precisely that sense, if we choose to dwell upon the hurts of the past and if we choose to let the past dominate the present so that all of our relationships are negatively colored by what has happened in the past, then we have not forgiven in a biblical sense.

WHAT IF YOU DO IF THE OTHER PERSON WILL NOT ADMIT HE WAS WRONG?

Again, this is a troubling, difficult problem. Writing on this very passage over 400 years ago, John Calvin said there are two kinds of forgiveness.
The first is the kind where the person who did the wrong admits it, comes to you asking forgiveness, you grant it and the relationship is restored. That’s the best kind. That’s the ideal. There is confession, forgiveness, reconciliation and healing.

Unfortunately, in this fallen world the ideal is not always possible. Sometimes people who have wronged us will not admit their guilt no matter what we do. In fact, sometimes they will lie to cover up the truth. Sometimes they will cut off the relationship rather than face the hard work of reconciliation. Sometimes they will keep right on hurting us on purpose.

How can you forgive in a situation like that? Calvin said you can forgive even in that situation in the sense that you let go of the rope of anger and bitterness and refuse to let the hurt dominate your own life. True, the relationship remains broken. It may never be healed. But you can choose not to remember the sins of others. You can choose to wipe the slate clean so that your life is free from bitterness.

That’s not easy but it’s far better than living in the past nursing a wounded spirit. It’s also biblical for in this we have the example of Jesus himself who, when he hung on the cross, an innocent man put to death for crimes he did not commit, prayed, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”


So, what's my point?

You forgive infinitely.

I Don't Believe in Happily Ever Afters

Almost every child who has heard a fairytale has heard of the final phrase, "And they lived happily ever after."  Little girls love this phrase.  They want to believe in the unicorns, the pixie dust, the rainbows of the "happily ever after," part of the relationship.

...Until they grow up to see the ugliness of the relationship, too.  See, I don't believe in, "happily ever after."  I don't believe in unicorns, pixie dust, and rainbows of a relationship.  I believe in hard work, pain, growth, tears, arguments, miscommunication, humility, honesty, and apologies.  You are going to fight with your spouse.  You are going to be mad.  You are going to have miscommunication.  It is just a matter of how to handle it.  Are you going to yell, stomp your feet, and act like a three year old with a temper tantrum?  Or are you going to be calm, rational, and open to what your spouse has to say, and how they feel?  And then, are you going to apologize? 

This picture pretty much sums it up.  IF I were to believe in, "happily ever after," this would be it.

20 Dollars

Something to think about...

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. “Who would like this $20 bill?”

Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you – but first, let me do this.”
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.

“Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?” He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by …WHO WE ARE. You are special – don’t ever forget it.”

Insomnia

So, I have been awake since 2:30 this morning.  I am supposed to be "waking up" in 40 minutes at 4:45, but I don't think I'll be doing that.  I'm supposed to be going to work for some over time at 7AM, but I don't think I should be out on the roads, especially since I am driving to Indy.

Wow.  I know it's been a while since I've written on this thing, and I apologize to my readers.  This isn't a post about an update or anything.  I can do that later.  This is about a confession.  This is to show the realness of me.  I am another human being that messed up, big time, and I am paying for it.  No, I didn't cheat on anyone, but what I did isn't very forgiving.  It's like the quote from the movie, The General's Daughter, "l once asked Moore what wars worse than rape. Now I know: Betrayal."  I misplaced someone's trust.  I betrayed this person.  This person trusted me with certain things, and I've ruined it.  I took advantage of it.  And now?  I am losing this person.  I feel like I'm trying to hold on to as much sand as I can in my hands, but we all know what happens, right?  The sand just slips between the fingers.  No matter how tightly we hold out fingers together, the sand slips between the cracks, no matter how small they are.  It makes me wonder if this is an idea of how Eve felt after she and Adam were kicked out of the Garden of Eden.  Did Eve feel the hurt I am feeling, the shame, the confusion, the doubt, and the guilt?  I'll tell you right now, that's how I am feeling.  I wonder the type of conversation they had, (or didn't have since they were probably giving each other the silent treatment) when they first had to leave.  Was Adam resentful to Eve in what she did?  Probably, but he was at fault, too, for being there with her when she took the fruit.  Was Eve resentful to Adam in not stopping her?  Probably, but she shouldn't have second-guessed the faithfulness of God, in that, He knew what was better for them.  She should've trusted Him.  I wonder the type of arguments Adam and Eve had.  I wonder how they worked through their problems.  I wonder how they worked through their trust issues with each other.  I wonder how they forgave each other.

As I am laying here in bed, I'm not going speculate how they knew about forgiveness, or even if they knew anything about it.  There's nothing in the Bible that tells us that much.  But they didn't have the example that we do today.  We can look back and read how Christ willingly gave up His life for us because He loved us.  He said, "I forgive you, no questions asked.  I will also scatter your sins as far as the East is from the West."

Oh Lord, please for me in what I had done. 

Love Takes Work

We all know people who have really unrealistic expectations of relationships. So many hopeless romantics believe that love is the solution to life's problems. Many people confuse lust with love, over and over again. There are people who change lovers often, because they thrive on the excitement of the initial stages of love. These are just some of the more exaggerated examples that come to mind. Many of us have our own erroneous expectations about love. These expectations can set us up for disappointment down the road. What we believe about relationships affects our attitudes toward our relationships. If our expectations are unrealistic, we will inevitably be disappointed with our partners. Many people enter into relationships with the expectation that, if they find the right person, the relationship will take no work or effort. This is a totally unrealistic expectation. LOVE TAKES A LOT OF WORK.

In a new relationship, you are meeting another person's persona: the person that they most want you to see. As you get to know the person better, new layers of each of you emerge for one another to see. As the level of trust in the relationship grows, you both will expose deeper and deeper layers to one another. The deepest layers of each of us formed at a very young age, in response to childhood experiences. If your expectation is that relationships do not take work, then you probably are in for a major disappointment when the deeper parts of your partner's personality emerge. Temptation may come to leave and find a new, "better" partner.

You will find, however, that we are all the same: we all have deeper layers that hide under our socially acceptable personas. If you are unwilling to explore the deeper layers of your partner, or to reveal your own deeper layers, your relationships will remain superficial and unfulfilling. You will feel that something is missing… that your relationships are never intimate… that your partners never understand you… that you cannot understand your partners. You will be wondering why love seems to elude you. You will turn from person to person, looking for the "right" person, but never find him or her. You will never discover the real person that lies behind the mask of the persona in your current partner. You will never create the loving relationship that you desire, unless you are willing to put forth the effort to discover who your partner actually is, and to reveal your true self to your partner.

Many people believe that they understand the cliché, "love takes work." The question is, do they truly understand the meaning of "love takes work"? You will know that you are working at your relationship when you want to run away in frustration, but you stay and talk with your partner -- not just once, but repeatedly. Intimacy grows from the commitment and work that you put into your relationship. Of course, this is not to say that everyone is compatible with everyone else. However, once you have found a partner who meets certain parameters and seems compatible, the balance is 100% pure W-O-R-K.

A nice analogy for this process is that of mining for diamonds. On the surface, you can see certain signs that tell you that diamonds might be down there, somewhere below the surface. You decide to dig, and you invest all your time into digging. It is messy work. You feel like giving up, but all the signs on the surface insure you that there will be diamonds down there, somewhere. So you keep digging. Eventually, after a lot of time and a lot of effort, you find rough gemstones deep below the ground. How amazing that such beauty could be so far under the surface of the earth, under so much dirt. You are very glad that you persevered, instead of giving up in your search.

Relationships are exactly like this. Put the work into a relationship with the right person, and you will reap the love and intimacy benefits. When you have unrealistic expectations, you give up very early on in the relationship, without giving your partner or yourself a chance. You miss the opportunity to find the diamonds within your partner and within yourself. You will both feel cheated, and neither of you will really know why. Our expectations influence us, often without our even realizing it. It is important to recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and are interfering with your ability to form loving, intimate relationships. Changing your unrealistic expectations will seem foreign at first, because your beliefs have taken many years to form. Only through vigilance, hard work, and perseverance will you be able to change them, and to have more realistic expectations about loving, intimate relationships.

When you are considering whether someone is right or wrong for you, you must maintain your values, goals and lifestyle choices without serious compromise. As I have said before, communication is one of the most important components of a loving relationship. It is what allows us to rise in mature love with one another. Communication, the dialogue, the questions, and the answers: they all are key components in your effort to discover if your new partner meets your essential parameters for a long-term partner. Once you have determined that you wish to pursue a relationship, communication also is a key component in allowing the unlayering process to occur - as you unmask and show your deeper layers to your partner, and as you witness your partner while he or she unmasks and unlayers before you. Communication is an essential part of the work of any relationship.

A relationship is togetherness. You are one with your partner. As a couple, you have chosen to spend your lives united. The two of you travel life's journey, through its peaks and valleys, together -- so that you both might experience a loving, committed relationship, the type that we all seek today. As individuals, and as part of a couple, we all need to practice the art of loving daily. At all times, the art of loving requires from us patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, and faith. It is an attitude that we should live and present to the world through our daily thoughts, words, and actions. In a loving, committed relationship, you both must have this attitude. When you are both practicing the art of loving together, on a daily basis, this will allow you to experience a unique, fulfilling relationship that will be strong and resilient enough to endure any problems during your life's journey together. Finding the right person for you is only the beginning of this process. Without putting in the work, even the most perfectly matched couple's relationship eventually will fade. Many of us learn this the hard way, regretting that we did not work harder in a previous relationship while we still had the chance. Some of us find ourselves in another relationship, missing our old partner whom we know, in our heart, was the one for us.

Love is a two way street. It takes WORK from two individuals who are planning on starting a life together. It is a lifetime of work: so I caution you to recognize this now, rather than later. Take the time to know that you are indeed compatible with one another. Extinguish your fears. Have your priorities in order. Love one another to the highest degree. Keep digging till you find the diamonds within your partner, and your partner finds the diamonds within you. Have fun with one another, and enjoy a journey of passionate, committed, rising love together.

Rethinking

Once again, it's been a while since I have written.  I have been meaning to write, and usually my inspiration comes at a time when it's most inconvenient, such as, driving.  That's when I do most of my thinking, and well, since I can't really write and drive at the same time, it's become quite a  hassle to keep my readers updated.  But, there's a reason why I am writing this post...

In three days, it would have been R's and my two year wedding anniversary.  In three days, R and I would have been celebrating another year of marital bliss....or not.  (It wasn't exactly, "bliss.")  Instead, I am sitting here, thinking about what could have been. In fact, today, my bestie and I went to go see the new movie, "What to Expect When You're Expecting."  It was hilarious, but there were a few moments where I flashed to where I could have been one of those women, with her husband, expecting a baby right now.  I thought to myself, "Where did I go wrong?  Why am I not one of those women?"  I silently cried to myself, and throwing a little bit of a pity party. 

After doing a little bit of praying, I cried to God, "What happened to my plan?  Why wasn't my plan good enough for You?"  His reply?  "Because your plan isn't My plan.  I have something so much better for you.  I know the pain you're feeling.  I feel it, too.  I know the desires of your heart, as I am the One who created you.  But just wait.  Keep turning to Me in your time of need, and I will grant you the peace you deserve." 

So, I guess my question is to myself:  When May 22, 2012 comes around, how are you going to react?  My answer?  With joy.  And I am not saying that because I am divorced.  I am saying that because God has shown me true joy by turning to Him always in my time with need in knowing that He will never let me go. 

How's Life?

Wow, I have not written on this blog in such a long time.  So much has happened from the last time I had written to now.

Well, I am in a relationship with a man who is in basic training in the Navy.  So far, we are two weeks in to basic training, but it's been going well overall.  There are times I definitely miss him, and miss hearing his voice, but he wants to serve his country, and I will support him in that.  He also wants to make a future for himself and his future family.  (If I happen to be part of that family, then that's fine, too.)  He wants to be a physician's assistant, that is, if he doesn't go career.  Either way, I am supporting him in his decision, and plus, he made this decision before he met me, so why should he change it because of some girl?  I would not want him to change his plans because of me, just like I would hope he wouldn't want me to change plans for him if it were turned around.  Anyways, I am learning so many things about myself while he is away:  God is always in control.  I can't be in control 100% of the time.  I have to allow God to step in and keep His hand over my SR.  (Sailor)  I have to put my trust in God that He is sovereign in all circumstances.  I have a hard time not being in control, so this has been a big lesson for me, and I praise Him for it.

I was also involved in a car accident over two weeks ago.  I am OK, everyone else is OK, my car is not.  It got totaled recently, and that has been hard.  I didn't get gap insurance, so whatever settlement I have, I'm going to still owe the lien holder a decent amount of money that I don't have.  Again, God is showing me that He is in control of all circumstances, even in the bad ones.  Think about it:  When Job had all of life crumble down around him, Satan had to first gain permission from God in order to test Job's faith.  GOD HAD TO GRANT PERMISSION.  Wow.  Again, the sovereignty of God never ceases to amaze me.

So, that's basically what's been going on in my life in a nutshell.  God is good all the time.

Forever Friends

“For there is no friend like a sister, in calm or stormy weather, to cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands.”
-Christina G. Rossetti

This post is dedicated to my sisters.

I am incredibly blessed with the family that I have, especially with my two older sisters.  Now, I have one sister that is ten years older than I am, and then the other is almost three years older.  I just happen to be the baby.  I do remember that when growing up, I had a harder time connecting with my oldest sister due to the different stages we were at in life.  But, that was a part of growing up.  But then, my other sister, we have been close, but we've also ran in different circles.  We had different friends in high school because she was an athlete and I was the choir geek. 

As I have gotten older, I think back throughout the years of the many experiences that I've had with each sister.  I specifically remember a time in elementary school that I was being bullied by some punk 5th grader, and both of my sisters confronted this punk.  I felt so cool to have older sisters protect me.  I've also grown up seeking their respect and approval.  I've always wanted to make my sisters feel proud to have them call me their sister, just like how proud I am to call them my sisters.  my sisters are my best friends.  We have always said, "There is something about a Stratton girl..."  We always seem to attract trouble where ever we go.  We've had many laughs and many tears.  My sisters are strong, beautiful, women.  They both have over come many obstacles in their lives, and each time, I see them come out stronger in the end.  Each time, they have become an encouragement to me when I see how they become better people.  I see how many lives they have impacted. 

I am proud to have R and A as my sisters.

V-Day

In one week, we are to celebrating a day of love.  Not to be cynical, but Valentine's Day can kinda kiss my butt.  Valentine's Day is the last holiday that I've been worried about when it has come to the winter festivities.  I've made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, my birthday, and now, it has come down to this.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying when it has come to V-Day.  It's been a struggle for me, considering that I've never really had a good Valentine's Day ever, of course with the exception as to elementary school when you were essentially forced to give everyone a Valentine's Day card.  See, I've been trying to get in to the mindset on what it could mean to me as a single woman.  I've been so focused upon the hurts of my past that I've been dreading this upcoming love-fest that I've forgotten what true love is about:  It's not about me.  When i am so focused upon myself, I forget what the Bible says about the meaning of true love: 

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."

"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for his friends."

Can we say, "Guilt trip?"  Yeop.  Why does it have to be about couples?  Is it not a choice to make it just about two people in love?  Can't Valentine's Day apply to all of us, one way or another?  Well, I sure am making that choice!  I am making the choice that Valentine's Day isn't about it.  It will be about showing the people around me the love that God has given to me.  It may be cheesy, but why not go back to the elementary school days where you had a Valentine's Day card to give to them?  Even in the simplest gesture of love, we can make an impact on someone's life. 

I think this will be my best Valentine's Day ever.

The L-Word

“Love is not a place to come and go as we please.  It’s a house we enter in and commit to never leave…to some love is a word that they can fall in to, but when they’re falling out, keeping that word is hard to do.”  Those are to the lyrics of a song that was placed at my wedding for the unity candle.  It’s called, “Love is Not a Fight,” by Warren Barfield.   The song is still on my MP3 player, but every time it has come up, I usually just skip it.  Tonight was actually the first night that I’ve really stopped to listen and assess my feelings about the song.  

See, before tonight, I’ve usually just skipped it because I’ve been afraid of what emotions would surface.  I’ve done the “Christian thing,” and given everything over to God, so then, why would I be afraid to listen to a song that was part of a journey in my life that was supposed to last a lifetime?  Probably because I was afraid I would have to deal with those emotions all over again and start from square one.  

Well, I got courageous, and I sat down to listen to it.  What first inspired me to actually listen to it?  Ironically, it was because I was on a date with someone and we were starting the movie, “Courageous,” and the filmmakers of “Courageous,” made “Fireproof.”  So, those previews came up, and of course, “Love is Not a Fight,” was being played.  When I started to hear the song, I had the immediate instinct to switch to the next song due to my habit on my MP3 player.  So, I just sat there quietly, listening to the portion of the song they had during the previews, and the movie started.  It made me realize that was the most I had listened to that song in over a year.  I tried to quickly assess my feelings, but refocus back on my date.  

So, I am assessing the feelings now.  I actually just pulled it up on Youtube to listen to it.  Here are my feelings when I listen to this song.

• We shouldn’t take love for granted.  It’s something that is special and we shouldn’t just be throwing the L-word left and right around as if it was the most common thing in this world.  (And when I speak about “love,” I don’t mean family/friendship love.  I mean the type of love between two people in that they want to spend the rest of their lives together.)   
• When you say that you love someone, you commit to it.  You are saying that you have realized that it is not about you, but that it is fully about the other person, aside from God being first.  Love is supposed to be self-less, right?  So, see previous statement.    
• Love isn’t about being the one who wins the arguments; it’s about who knows when to let go first.  Some people think that love is just some sort of emotion you have for another person.  I’m sorry, but I find that completely false.  Yes, you do feel certain things for another person when you’re all oogly-googly, but emotions change.  That’s why I firmly believe love is always an action, in that you show love, not just feel it.  

So, what is the point to my rambling?  The song has officially taught me a lesson about love, and I'm OK with it.

I think I'll listen to that song again.

I Feel Morbid

The last 48 hours haven't been the greatest lately.  I've driven on icy roads, which includes doing a complete 360 on the road, and somehow, not going in to a ditch.  I've also been sick with a stomach flu, and that hasn't been fun.  So, now that I've thrown my small pity party, I'm going to go in to what has inspired me the most to write tonight.

I've been talking to a friend and he had a relative pass away.  My heart broke for him when he told me the news.  It made me think about my grandmother passing three years ago.  (Side note:  Where I work, her cemetery is right next to the building.  Slightly creepy.)  I think about how much I miss her.  I think about all of the lives that she has touched throughout her life here on Earth.  As I was also talking to my friend tonight, though it was more like arguing, I also thought about the choices that we have left here. 

Ok, so how does this all tie in together?  Well, I often think about my own funeral.  I think about who would actually show up to pay their respects.  I think about what would be said about me.  I think about the lives that I have touched, or maybe, the ones that I should reach out more to.  Going back to my grandmother, she had so many people from the nursing home come in for the viewing, and it made me proud to be her granddaughter, and to be the one named after her.  And then I think to myself, Am I able to touch as many lives as she had?  The answer?  Yes.  We have a choice every day to touch someone's life.  We have a choice every day to make someone smile.  We have a choice every day to show someone that they are cared for, that they are loved, that they are wanted.  It is a choice.  I am sick of hearing all of these excuses why we don't do this for one another.  Either, we're too busy, or we don't like this person, or what's in it for me?  There shouldn't have to be a reason to extend this grace and love towards others. 

So, what is your choice?

KISS

It has been one heck of a week for me. 

Let's start off with my personal life first.  I ended things with E.  There are a lot of things that went on between us that we realized that things were not going to work out between the two of us. (Note: What I am about to talk about isn't a bash against him, but it does go along with the road to self destruction...I mean, discovery.  HA!)  If there is one thing that I am grateful for when it came to my divorce, it was that I learned real quick on that I need to be a better communicator, especially with how I am feeling and what I need.  Well, heck, you can even thank the first guy I was with for that, too.  But my point?  I know what I want and need in a relationship, and unfortunately, E wasn't able to give me this.  He really is a great guy, but I am realizing more and more what I want and need for my future.  I am happy where I am, and a guy would only add to it, but not be my reason for happiness.

I have also been in training for the last week.  I am back home, and I will say, I am quite proud of what I have accomplished.  There are days that I have felt like I don't know what I am doing at my job, but this week has proven me wrong.  I had to take a few tests, and I hate tests anyways.  I get anxious.  I start to stress.  Then, I tend to psych myself out and not do so well.  Well, this week has shown that I can overcome that.  Someone gave me some great advice.  She told me to KISS:  Keep it simple, sweetie!  I have been so focused on being perfect that I have forgotten that all I need to do is to do my best, and that will be perfect. 

So, here is to a lot of KISSing over the next few months.  I am so proud of what I have accomplished this past week, both in my personal life and professional life.  I look forward to what is to come!

It's Over!!!!

I made it through all of the holidays and my birthday in one piece!

Hallelujah!

It was quite a challenge, especially on New Year's Eve, but I made it through.  There was one point in the night that I did start to feel sorry for myself, and that was at midnight when everyone was loving on each other and I really didn't have someone at my side.  But that's OK.  I knew it was going to happen so I prepared myself for it.  I just mainly reflected over the past year of everything that has happened in my life.  I started to get sad, but what mainly got me through it was that I have been shown so much love from my family and friends, even when I have been at my worst.  I did end up having fun all around, but I won't lie and say I didn't have a pity party for myself at one point. 

Oh, I am also now in a relationship.  HA!  I should probably mention something about that.  He is a very sweet guy.  Unfortunately, he travels a lot for his job, which could be a good or a bad thing.  See, to me, I am trying to turn it in to something where I can learn, grow, and be a better person because of it.  What I have always done is become attached to someone when I am in a relationship.  Now, it's not a bad thing, but it is bad when that person doesn't reciprocate the attachment.  I believe this guy does emotionally, but physically, he can't due to traveling.  But when he is home, he does have the attachment.  So, what is my rambling about?  It is forcing me to become more independent while he is away.  it is forcing me to go back to my hobbies, or find new ones.  I really want to take a few classes, like on glass making, and this may be the excuse that I was looking for.  Also, it is forcing me to not give up on my friends just because I am now in a relationship.  I really do think something good will come out of this, whether we work out or not, but this is a good thing for me.  He is helping me become a better person, whether he knows it or not.

I also celebrated the big 2-4 yesterday.  I was ecstatic to walk in to work and find a pink sock monkey for me, along with a balloon.  I was also given this jar that has an electric butterfly in it, and if you press the top, the butterfly will flap around the jar.  It suffices my ADD needs.  HA!  And, R was incredibly sweet to think of me and give me these gifts.  After work, a few of us went to the Cheesecake Factory for some fabulous food and drinks.  The waiter brought out a cheesecake with my name written.  I almost started to cry because I felt so special.  All I wanted for my birthday was to feel special, and my friends did an amazing job doing it.  We then went to a pub that had Karaoke, and it was AWESOME!  I had so much fun!  I was even serenaded!  HA!  Overall, it was the best birthday I could have ever asked for.

2012 is starting to look like it's going to be a fabulous year.  I look forward to so many opportunities with my friends, my family, my job, and my relationship.  I can't wait to share it all with you.

Cheers!

My First Christmas

Well, here it is: Holiday #2 of 3 to get through!  Though, I shouldn't say this has been a horrible experience.  It has been quite a trip though.  I've had lots of laughter, but I can't forget about the tears.

We celebrated our Christmas on Christmas Eve.  We had my sister and her kids come over for presents and dinner.  We also read the Christmas story out of Luke 2.  We opened our presents after dinner.  I got some pretty cool things.  I received a new camera, a few gift cards, my new tumbler glasses, and then, I opened a small box from Kay's.  My parents bought me this beautiful, black and white diamond dragonfly necklace.  When I first saw the small box, I immediately asked Mom, "Is this going to make me cry?"  And she said, "No."  Well, I did.  It was this beautiful, black and white diamond dragonfly necklace.  I looked up at my mom, and tears welled up in my eyes.  So many emotions came to surface in that moment.  It felt like time had stopped and everything came at me all at once.  I was happy to receive such a beautiful gift, so thankful to have amazing parents like mine.  But then, I had this other side of me that made me cry even more:  It shouldn't have been my parents to give me this beautiful gift.  It was "supposed to be" my husband.  But, well, we all know how that didn't happen.

So, I started crying.  Mom and I went in to the kitchen where I just cried.  I couldn't cry in front of the kids, and I needed my mom.  It all became fresh once again that I wasn't wanted by a man who was called my husband.  I am ok now, but it just hit me hard after I opened my present.

I have now come to this revelation: As much as our society makes this season about needing to be with family, needing to be with friends, needing to buy gifts for each other, we ultimately forget why we do celebrate this season.  We forget about the ultimate gift that we were given about 2000 years ago: A child was born in to a stall, and He was sent to die for all humanity.  Everything else fails in comparison to the best gift we could ever receive, and that is salvation.

So even in the midst of my tears, I have this gentle reminder that I have been given so much when I don't deserve it.  I have a Savior who loves me, and will always be there, even after the holidays.

Merry Christmas.

Killjoy

I had a moment today.

My mom and I went to Hobby Lobby to find some Christmas decorations and a few other things to get for my new cubicle at work.  As we were walking through the aisles of ornaments, lights, and garland, I silently thought back to a year ago with my ex-husband and I went through Hobby Lobby ourselves to find a stocking for me.  We had also talked about going out the day after Christmas to get Christmas decorations for the next Christmas.  Well, guess which Christmas we were referring to?  Yeop, this upcoming one.  (Even as I type this, tears are starting to well up in my eyes...)  I know that this is normal.  I know that I am still going to have moments like this where a memory will flash before me, and I'll get upset.

It's hard when someone makes a vow to you to love you through thick and thin and to be faithful only to you, then they strip it away from you as if it meant nothing to them.  Yea, I am feeling slightly upset right now.  I am once again torn at how I am supposed to feel, or what is the right thing to feel.  See, I don't want to give in to what human nature is telling me to feel.  I feel angry.  I am p/oed.  I am questioning.  I am shaking my fists.  The fist is so tight that my nails are digging in to the skin of my palm.  So, I guess "upset" is an understatement.

But why am I feeling this way?  I guess while sorting through my feelings, I've realized that I am upset because he broke his promise.  I've also realized that I am angry that things aren't going according to my plans.  Woah.  Break through point. 

The way I need to see it is that I can't plan things on my own because there are times God will just whisper, "Sorry, but I have better things in mind.  Your thoughts are not My thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.  My thoughts are so much higher and better than yours.  Trust me in this."  If you're like me and you need to plan things out for your life, that is such a killjoy to hear.  But at the same time, it's a very comforting thought that my God has everything under control, that He knows my needs better than I do.

OK, God, here are the reins once again.

Something Funny

I thought I would do a funny post tonight.  It's nothing much, but I hope you can get a chuckle out of it.

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest/Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day (<--This doesn't happen to me).

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said.

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.  (Especially on the Purdue campus!!)

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Social Acceptance

We were created to be social.  We were not meant to be isolated from one another.  It amazes me, though, how often we get caught up in the fact that we want to be accepted in social circles.

Especially me.

I live off of human interaction.  I love being able to talk to people and to get to know them.  But do you know what my issue is?  They don't want to get to know me.  I don't often fit in with certain circles.  And sometimes, that hurts, especially after last night. 

I went to a Christmas party where I knew everyone, but I felt very alone.  I found myself standing around, alone, and just watching people.  It was slightly intimidating.  But I know a few friends from work would be proud of me that I did that, especially since they want me to go to a movie or a restaurant by myself, but that will have to be something I do and then write about it.  Anyway, I felt alone, and somewhat hating it that I was there.  There were a few times that I almost left, but I just kept saying to myself to stay because, "it would get better."  Well, it really didn't.  I mean, I wasn't crying in the corner or anything, but I wasn't exactly smiling the entire night either.  It wasn't anyone's fault, per say, but I knew right from the beginning that I didn't belong in this type of crowd.  It's nothing they did, but it does suck when you really don't have anyone to talk to throughout the night. 

So, what's my point of this rambling nonsense?  Well, as I am writing out my thoughts, I keep thinking about what Christ has said about social acceptance for Christians: There is none. 

Ouch.  A little harsh, eh?  But I don't think He could make it any more clear.  Christ has stated flat out that the world will hate you because of Him.

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.  If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own.  As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.  That is why the world hates you."  John 15:18-19

"Everyone will hate you because of me."  Luke 21:17

Hmm...so much for acceptance.  My issue is that I want to be accepted and loved, but I can't help but reread the previous verses that it's not going to happen, at least, from the world.  But, I know I am loved by Someone who will accept me as I am.

One Down, Three to Go!

Sorry that this is a little late folks.  I have been very busy in my life, but I really wanted to write an update on how I did for my first Thanksgiving.

Welp, I survived my first major holiday as a single woman.  These last four days, I have been busy, yet it's been fun.  On Thanksgiving Day, my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece and nephew all came over.  My niece surprised me with this awesome place mat that she and my nephew made for me.  Of course, being the sap that I am, I started to tear up and hug her.  I love this little girl's hugs!  We ate the awesome food my mother made, and had an enjoyable time together.  There were a couple of times that I caught myself having a pity party, but I think I did fairly well, considering everything that I had been feeling for the last few weeks.

I've been wanting to write something for a while now about being thankful.  I have noticed that we complain so much about how our country is being ran, what is going on in government, the economy, the lack of jobs, of debt of the country.  We may have a lot of things going on in the country, but we should be thankful for what we do have.  We are still considered very rich compared to many countries in this world.  We are not stuck in a country where we have other tribes fighting against us and cause a genocide.  We aren't going through piles of trash just to find plastic bottles to earn money for our families to eat.  This may sound crass, but it really bothers me when I hear people complain about the jobs they have because they aren't being paid enough, or that they just aren't happy.  I want to lovingly state these facts:  To illustrate the income inequality between rich and poor countries, consider these facts: about 1.75 billion people live in multi-dimensional poverty, meaning extreme deprivation in education, health, and standard of living; 1.44 billion people out of the developing world's 6.9 billion people live on $1.25 per day; 2.6 billion people are estimated to be living on less than $2 a day. Multidimensional poverty varies by region from three percent in Europe and Central Asia to 65% in Sub-Saharan Africa.  This is according to the UN's 2010 Human Development Report. 

So, why should we make Thanksgiving a one-day event?  Shall we not make it something to practice every day?

Not very thankful

I will try to make this post easy to follow, but who am I kidding?  My mind tends to be filled with endless ramblings, especially when life likes to throw things in to your path, and I have no idea what to even do.  So, here we go...

We all know how I have not been looking forward to the holidays, especially New Year's and then my birthday.  Today kinda threw me in to a loop with the reality, "Holy crap, Thanksgiving is this week."  It snuck up on me, which then, made me start thinking about where I was a year ago, and my feelings, and this whirlwind of self-pity and loathing crashed upon me.  I think the girls were scared on the ride home because I was driving at this time from work in our carpool.  So, here I am, crying, driving, trying to see since it's dark out.  Yea.

My heart has been dragged in so many directions in 24 hours.  Do you know what a lot of it has to deal with?  Self-pity.  I have a choice in how my Thanksgiving will turn out.  Yea, it sucks that I'm going to be around people who do have their significant other, but I have a choice in how I react.  I am incredibly blessed to have a family who loves me dearly.  I have a niece and nephew who melt my heart every time they say, "I love you."  I have the best friends in the whole world, especially my Bestie.  I have an amazing career.  But most importantly, I have an awesome, loving, gracious, merciful God who has taken me back so many times when I have faltered.

"Comparison is the kiss of death of gratitude."

Ain't that the truth.  I've been comparing my life situation to everyone else around me that I have forgotten to be grateful for what I do have.

Ok, so no more self-pity.  No more allowing Satan to take a hold of my insecurities.  No more ungratefulness.  Just no more.

My Conversation

I always feel like I need to have a disclaimer when it comes to certain posts.  The following is a conversation that I've been having with God lately.  I've really been wrestling Him on this issue, and I can't seem to win.  Perhaps, that's the point...


Me:  Ok, Father.  You know that I have been having issues with certain things and people in my life.  I have asked for a clear cut sign on what to do with them.  You definitely gave them to me, but why am I feeling this way? 

Abba: In what way?

Me: I feel empty. 

Abba:  I gave you what you needed. 

Me: But this isn't what I want... 

Abba: Sometimes, what you want really isn't what you need.  I know what you need in your life.  I know what is best for you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

Me: But why am I feeling so empty and discouraged??

Abba:  You placed these things above me.  You sought fulfillment in something that only filled a void temporarily.  That thing wasn't perfect, and it failed you.  Why would you want to fully place your trust in something that will fail you eventually? 

Me:  Because it's something instant.

Abba:  Exactly.  But you have to remember that instant gratification is usually only temporary.  Let's apply it to this scenario: You are wanting to be a healthier person, right?  What will it take to become this way?  You can't do a crash-course diet plan, because eventually, you're either going to gain the weight back, or it's going to hurt you internally in the long run.  You eat right and you exercise.  You don't see the results right now, but over time, you will see how your body changes on the outside, how you feel on the inside, and how your heart becomes so much stronger over time.   

Me:  But why does this have to hurt?

Abba:  Again, it's like training:  Your muscles are going to be sore for a while, but do you quit?  No.  you endure through it and make them even stronger.  This life is hard, I know it is.  I know the pain you are feeling because my heart hurts when your heart hurts.  But I don't want you to give up.  You have Me.  I am in your corner.  I am right there with you, every step of the way.  When you are feeling weak, I will make you strong.  If you didn't know pain, you wouldn't know the pure joy that will follow.  I will give you perfect peace.  This is another opportunity for you to know Me and come closer to Me.  We will get through this.  Together.