Insomnia

So, I have been awake since 2:30 this morning.  I am supposed to be "waking up" in 40 minutes at 4:45, but I don't think I'll be doing that.  I'm supposed to be going to work for some over time at 7AM, but I don't think I should be out on the roads, especially since I am driving to Indy.

Wow.  I know it's been a while since I've written on this thing, and I apologize to my readers.  This isn't a post about an update or anything.  I can do that later.  This is about a confession.  This is to show the realness of me.  I am another human being that messed up, big time, and I am paying for it.  No, I didn't cheat on anyone, but what I did isn't very forgiving.  It's like the quote from the movie, The General's Daughter, "l once asked Moore what wars worse than rape. Now I know: Betrayal."  I misplaced someone's trust.  I betrayed this person.  This person trusted me with certain things, and I've ruined it.  I took advantage of it.  And now?  I am losing this person.  I feel like I'm trying to hold on to as much sand as I can in my hands, but we all know what happens, right?  The sand just slips between the fingers.  No matter how tightly we hold out fingers together, the sand slips between the cracks, no matter how small they are.  It makes me wonder if this is an idea of how Eve felt after she and Adam were kicked out of the Garden of Eden.  Did Eve feel the hurt I am feeling, the shame, the confusion, the doubt, and the guilt?  I'll tell you right now, that's how I am feeling.  I wonder the type of conversation they had, (or didn't have since they were probably giving each other the silent treatment) when they first had to leave.  Was Adam resentful to Eve in what she did?  Probably, but he was at fault, too, for being there with her when she took the fruit.  Was Eve resentful to Adam in not stopping her?  Probably, but she shouldn't have second-guessed the faithfulness of God, in that, He knew what was better for them.  She should've trusted Him.  I wonder the type of arguments Adam and Eve had.  I wonder how they worked through their problems.  I wonder how they worked through their trust issues with each other.  I wonder how they forgave each other.

As I am laying here in bed, I'm not going speculate how they knew about forgiveness, or even if they knew anything about it.  There's nothing in the Bible that tells us that much.  But they didn't have the example that we do today.  We can look back and read how Christ willingly gave up His life for us because He loved us.  He said, "I forgive you, no questions asked.  I will also scatter your sins as far as the East is from the West."

Oh Lord, please for me in what I had done.