Love Takes Work

We all know people who have really unrealistic expectations of relationships. So many hopeless romantics believe that love is the solution to life's problems. Many people confuse lust with love, over and over again. There are people who change lovers often, because they thrive on the excitement of the initial stages of love. These are just some of the more exaggerated examples that come to mind. Many of us have our own erroneous expectations about love. These expectations can set us up for disappointment down the road. What we believe about relationships affects our attitudes toward our relationships. If our expectations are unrealistic, we will inevitably be disappointed with our partners. Many people enter into relationships with the expectation that, if they find the right person, the relationship will take no work or effort. This is a totally unrealistic expectation. LOVE TAKES A LOT OF WORK.

In a new relationship, you are meeting another person's persona: the person that they most want you to see. As you get to know the person better, new layers of each of you emerge for one another to see. As the level of trust in the relationship grows, you both will expose deeper and deeper layers to one another. The deepest layers of each of us formed at a very young age, in response to childhood experiences. If your expectation is that relationships do not take work, then you probably are in for a major disappointment when the deeper parts of your partner's personality emerge. Temptation may come to leave and find a new, "better" partner.

You will find, however, that we are all the same: we all have deeper layers that hide under our socially acceptable personas. If you are unwilling to explore the deeper layers of your partner, or to reveal your own deeper layers, your relationships will remain superficial and unfulfilling. You will feel that something is missing… that your relationships are never intimate… that your partners never understand you… that you cannot understand your partners. You will be wondering why love seems to elude you. You will turn from person to person, looking for the "right" person, but never find him or her. You will never discover the real person that lies behind the mask of the persona in your current partner. You will never create the loving relationship that you desire, unless you are willing to put forth the effort to discover who your partner actually is, and to reveal your true self to your partner.

Many people believe that they understand the cliché, "love takes work." The question is, do they truly understand the meaning of "love takes work"? You will know that you are working at your relationship when you want to run away in frustration, but you stay and talk with your partner -- not just once, but repeatedly. Intimacy grows from the commitment and work that you put into your relationship. Of course, this is not to say that everyone is compatible with everyone else. However, once you have found a partner who meets certain parameters and seems compatible, the balance is 100% pure W-O-R-K.

A nice analogy for this process is that of mining for diamonds. On the surface, you can see certain signs that tell you that diamonds might be down there, somewhere below the surface. You decide to dig, and you invest all your time into digging. It is messy work. You feel like giving up, but all the signs on the surface insure you that there will be diamonds down there, somewhere. So you keep digging. Eventually, after a lot of time and a lot of effort, you find rough gemstones deep below the ground. How amazing that such beauty could be so far under the surface of the earth, under so much dirt. You are very glad that you persevered, instead of giving up in your search.

Relationships are exactly like this. Put the work into a relationship with the right person, and you will reap the love and intimacy benefits. When you have unrealistic expectations, you give up very early on in the relationship, without giving your partner or yourself a chance. You miss the opportunity to find the diamonds within your partner and within yourself. You will both feel cheated, and neither of you will really know why. Our expectations influence us, often without our even realizing it. It is important to recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and are interfering with your ability to form loving, intimate relationships. Changing your unrealistic expectations will seem foreign at first, because your beliefs have taken many years to form. Only through vigilance, hard work, and perseverance will you be able to change them, and to have more realistic expectations about loving, intimate relationships.

When you are considering whether someone is right or wrong for you, you must maintain your values, goals and lifestyle choices without serious compromise. As I have said before, communication is one of the most important components of a loving relationship. It is what allows us to rise in mature love with one another. Communication, the dialogue, the questions, and the answers: they all are key components in your effort to discover if your new partner meets your essential parameters for a long-term partner. Once you have determined that you wish to pursue a relationship, communication also is a key component in allowing the unlayering process to occur - as you unmask and show your deeper layers to your partner, and as you witness your partner while he or she unmasks and unlayers before you. Communication is an essential part of the work of any relationship.

A relationship is togetherness. You are one with your partner. As a couple, you have chosen to spend your lives united. The two of you travel life's journey, through its peaks and valleys, together -- so that you both might experience a loving, committed relationship, the type that we all seek today. As individuals, and as part of a couple, we all need to practice the art of loving daily. At all times, the art of loving requires from us patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, and faith. It is an attitude that we should live and present to the world through our daily thoughts, words, and actions. In a loving, committed relationship, you both must have this attitude. When you are both practicing the art of loving together, on a daily basis, this will allow you to experience a unique, fulfilling relationship that will be strong and resilient enough to endure any problems during your life's journey together. Finding the right person for you is only the beginning of this process. Without putting in the work, even the most perfectly matched couple's relationship eventually will fade. Many of us learn this the hard way, regretting that we did not work harder in a previous relationship while we still had the chance. Some of us find ourselves in another relationship, missing our old partner whom we know, in our heart, was the one for us.

Love is a two way street. It takes WORK from two individuals who are planning on starting a life together. It is a lifetime of work: so I caution you to recognize this now, rather than later. Take the time to know that you are indeed compatible with one another. Extinguish your fears. Have your priorities in order. Love one another to the highest degree. Keep digging till you find the diamonds within your partner, and your partner finds the diamonds within you. Have fun with one another, and enjoy a journey of passionate, committed, rising love together.

Rethinking

Once again, it's been a while since I have written.  I have been meaning to write, and usually my inspiration comes at a time when it's most inconvenient, such as, driving.  That's when I do most of my thinking, and well, since I can't really write and drive at the same time, it's become quite a  hassle to keep my readers updated.  But, there's a reason why I am writing this post...

In three days, it would have been R's and my two year wedding anniversary.  In three days, R and I would have been celebrating another year of marital bliss....or not.  (It wasn't exactly, "bliss.")  Instead, I am sitting here, thinking about what could have been. In fact, today, my bestie and I went to go see the new movie, "What to Expect When You're Expecting."  It was hilarious, but there were a few moments where I flashed to where I could have been one of those women, with her husband, expecting a baby right now.  I thought to myself, "Where did I go wrong?  Why am I not one of those women?"  I silently cried to myself, and throwing a little bit of a pity party. 

After doing a little bit of praying, I cried to God, "What happened to my plan?  Why wasn't my plan good enough for You?"  His reply?  "Because your plan isn't My plan.  I have something so much better for you.  I know the pain you're feeling.  I feel it, too.  I know the desires of your heart, as I am the One who created you.  But just wait.  Keep turning to Me in your time of need, and I will grant you the peace you deserve." 

So, I guess my question is to myself:  When May 22, 2012 comes around, how are you going to react?  My answer?  With joy.  And I am not saying that because I am divorced.  I am saying that because God has shown me true joy by turning to Him always in my time with need in knowing that He will never let me go. 

How's Life?

Wow, I have not written on this blog in such a long time.  So much has happened from the last time I had written to now.

Well, I am in a relationship with a man who is in basic training in the Navy.  So far, we are two weeks in to basic training, but it's been going well overall.  There are times I definitely miss him, and miss hearing his voice, but he wants to serve his country, and I will support him in that.  He also wants to make a future for himself and his future family.  (If I happen to be part of that family, then that's fine, too.)  He wants to be a physician's assistant, that is, if he doesn't go career.  Either way, I am supporting him in his decision, and plus, he made this decision before he met me, so why should he change it because of some girl?  I would not want him to change his plans because of me, just like I would hope he wouldn't want me to change plans for him if it were turned around.  Anyways, I am learning so many things about myself while he is away:  God is always in control.  I can't be in control 100% of the time.  I have to allow God to step in and keep His hand over my SR.  (Sailor)  I have to put my trust in God that He is sovereign in all circumstances.  I have a hard time not being in control, so this has been a big lesson for me, and I praise Him for it.

I was also involved in a car accident over two weeks ago.  I am OK, everyone else is OK, my car is not.  It got totaled recently, and that has been hard.  I didn't get gap insurance, so whatever settlement I have, I'm going to still owe the lien holder a decent amount of money that I don't have.  Again, God is showing me that He is in control of all circumstances, even in the bad ones.  Think about it:  When Job had all of life crumble down around him, Satan had to first gain permission from God in order to test Job's faith.  GOD HAD TO GRANT PERMISSION.  Wow.  Again, the sovereignty of God never ceases to amaze me.

So, that's basically what's been going on in my life in a nutshell.  God is good all the time.

Forever Friends

“For there is no friend like a sister, in calm or stormy weather, to cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands.”
-Christina G. Rossetti

This post is dedicated to my sisters.

I am incredibly blessed with the family that I have, especially with my two older sisters.  Now, I have one sister that is ten years older than I am, and then the other is almost three years older.  I just happen to be the baby.  I do remember that when growing up, I had a harder time connecting with my oldest sister due to the different stages we were at in life.  But, that was a part of growing up.  But then, my other sister, we have been close, but we've also ran in different circles.  We had different friends in high school because she was an athlete and I was the choir geek. 

As I have gotten older, I think back throughout the years of the many experiences that I've had with each sister.  I specifically remember a time in elementary school that I was being bullied by some punk 5th grader, and both of my sisters confronted this punk.  I felt so cool to have older sisters protect me.  I've also grown up seeking their respect and approval.  I've always wanted to make my sisters feel proud to have them call me their sister, just like how proud I am to call them my sisters.  my sisters are my best friends.  We have always said, "There is something about a Stratton girl..."  We always seem to attract trouble where ever we go.  We've had many laughs and many tears.  My sisters are strong, beautiful, women.  They both have over come many obstacles in their lives, and each time, I see them come out stronger in the end.  Each time, they have become an encouragement to me when I see how they become better people.  I see how many lives they have impacted. 

I am proud to have R and A as my sisters.

V-Day

In one week, we are to celebrating a day of love.  Not to be cynical, but Valentine's Day can kinda kiss my butt.  Valentine's Day is the last holiday that I've been worried about when it has come to the winter festivities.  I've made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, my birthday, and now, it has come down to this.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying when it has come to V-Day.  It's been a struggle for me, considering that I've never really had a good Valentine's Day ever, of course with the exception as to elementary school when you were essentially forced to give everyone a Valentine's Day card.  See, I've been trying to get in to the mindset on what it could mean to me as a single woman.  I've been so focused upon the hurts of my past that I've been dreading this upcoming love-fest that I've forgotten what true love is about:  It's not about me.  When i am so focused upon myself, I forget what the Bible says about the meaning of true love: 

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."

"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for his friends."

Can we say, "Guilt trip?"  Yeop.  Why does it have to be about couples?  Is it not a choice to make it just about two people in love?  Can't Valentine's Day apply to all of us, one way or another?  Well, I sure am making that choice!  I am making the choice that Valentine's Day isn't about it.  It will be about showing the people around me the love that God has given to me.  It may be cheesy, but why not go back to the elementary school days where you had a Valentine's Day card to give to them?  Even in the simplest gesture of love, we can make an impact on someone's life. 

I think this will be my best Valentine's Day ever.

The L-Word

“Love is not a place to come and go as we please.  It’s a house we enter in and commit to never leave…to some love is a word that they can fall in to, but when they’re falling out, keeping that word is hard to do.”  Those are to the lyrics of a song that was placed at my wedding for the unity candle.  It’s called, “Love is Not a Fight,” by Warren Barfield.   The song is still on my MP3 player, but every time it has come up, I usually just skip it.  Tonight was actually the first night that I’ve really stopped to listen and assess my feelings about the song.  

See, before tonight, I’ve usually just skipped it because I’ve been afraid of what emotions would surface.  I’ve done the “Christian thing,” and given everything over to God, so then, why would I be afraid to listen to a song that was part of a journey in my life that was supposed to last a lifetime?  Probably because I was afraid I would have to deal with those emotions all over again and start from square one.  

Well, I got courageous, and I sat down to listen to it.  What first inspired me to actually listen to it?  Ironically, it was because I was on a date with someone and we were starting the movie, “Courageous,” and the filmmakers of “Courageous,” made “Fireproof.”  So, those previews came up, and of course, “Love is Not a Fight,” was being played.  When I started to hear the song, I had the immediate instinct to switch to the next song due to my habit on my MP3 player.  So, I just sat there quietly, listening to the portion of the song they had during the previews, and the movie started.  It made me realize that was the most I had listened to that song in over a year.  I tried to quickly assess my feelings, but refocus back on my date.  

So, I am assessing the feelings now.  I actually just pulled it up on Youtube to listen to it.  Here are my feelings when I listen to this song.

• We shouldn’t take love for granted.  It’s something that is special and we shouldn’t just be throwing the L-word left and right around as if it was the most common thing in this world.  (And when I speak about “love,” I don’t mean family/friendship love.  I mean the type of love between two people in that they want to spend the rest of their lives together.)   
• When you say that you love someone, you commit to it.  You are saying that you have realized that it is not about you, but that it is fully about the other person, aside from God being first.  Love is supposed to be self-less, right?  So, see previous statement.    
• Love isn’t about being the one who wins the arguments; it’s about who knows when to let go first.  Some people think that love is just some sort of emotion you have for another person.  I’m sorry, but I find that completely false.  Yes, you do feel certain things for another person when you’re all oogly-googly, but emotions change.  That’s why I firmly believe love is always an action, in that you show love, not just feel it.  

So, what is the point to my rambling?  The song has officially taught me a lesson about love, and I'm OK with it.

I think I'll listen to that song again.

I Feel Morbid

The last 48 hours haven't been the greatest lately.  I've driven on icy roads, which includes doing a complete 360 on the road, and somehow, not going in to a ditch.  I've also been sick with a stomach flu, and that hasn't been fun.  So, now that I've thrown my small pity party, I'm going to go in to what has inspired me the most to write tonight.

I've been talking to a friend and he had a relative pass away.  My heart broke for him when he told me the news.  It made me think about my grandmother passing three years ago.  (Side note:  Where I work, her cemetery is right next to the building.  Slightly creepy.)  I think about how much I miss her.  I think about all of the lives that she has touched throughout her life here on Earth.  As I was also talking to my friend tonight, though it was more like arguing, I also thought about the choices that we have left here. 

Ok, so how does this all tie in together?  Well, I often think about my own funeral.  I think about who would actually show up to pay their respects.  I think about what would be said about me.  I think about the lives that I have touched, or maybe, the ones that I should reach out more to.  Going back to my grandmother, she had so many people from the nursing home come in for the viewing, and it made me proud to be her granddaughter, and to be the one named after her.  And then I think to myself, Am I able to touch as many lives as she had?  The answer?  Yes.  We have a choice every day to touch someone's life.  We have a choice every day to make someone smile.  We have a choice every day to show someone that they are cared for, that they are loved, that they are wanted.  It is a choice.  I am sick of hearing all of these excuses why we don't do this for one another.  Either, we're too busy, or we don't like this person, or what's in it for me?  There shouldn't have to be a reason to extend this grace and love towards others. 

So, what is your choice?