KISS

It has been one heck of a week for me. 

Let's start off with my personal life first.  I ended things with E.  There are a lot of things that went on between us that we realized that things were not going to work out between the two of us. (Note: What I am about to talk about isn't a bash against him, but it does go along with the road to self destruction...I mean, discovery.  HA!)  If there is one thing that I am grateful for when it came to my divorce, it was that I learned real quick on that I need to be a better communicator, especially with how I am feeling and what I need.  Well, heck, you can even thank the first guy I was with for that, too.  But my point?  I know what I want and need in a relationship, and unfortunately, E wasn't able to give me this.  He really is a great guy, but I am realizing more and more what I want and need for my future.  I am happy where I am, and a guy would only add to it, but not be my reason for happiness.

I have also been in training for the last week.  I am back home, and I will say, I am quite proud of what I have accomplished.  There are days that I have felt like I don't know what I am doing at my job, but this week has proven me wrong.  I had to take a few tests, and I hate tests anyways.  I get anxious.  I start to stress.  Then, I tend to psych myself out and not do so well.  Well, this week has shown that I can overcome that.  Someone gave me some great advice.  She told me to KISS:  Keep it simple, sweetie!  I have been so focused on being perfect that I have forgotten that all I need to do is to do my best, and that will be perfect. 

So, here is to a lot of KISSing over the next few months.  I am so proud of what I have accomplished this past week, both in my personal life and professional life.  I look forward to what is to come!

It's Over!!!!

I made it through all of the holidays and my birthday in one piece!

Hallelujah!

It was quite a challenge, especially on New Year's Eve, but I made it through.  There was one point in the night that I did start to feel sorry for myself, and that was at midnight when everyone was loving on each other and I really didn't have someone at my side.  But that's OK.  I knew it was going to happen so I prepared myself for it.  I just mainly reflected over the past year of everything that has happened in my life.  I started to get sad, but what mainly got me through it was that I have been shown so much love from my family and friends, even when I have been at my worst.  I did end up having fun all around, but I won't lie and say I didn't have a pity party for myself at one point. 

Oh, I am also now in a relationship.  HA!  I should probably mention something about that.  He is a very sweet guy.  Unfortunately, he travels a lot for his job, which could be a good or a bad thing.  See, to me, I am trying to turn it in to something where I can learn, grow, and be a better person because of it.  What I have always done is become attached to someone when I am in a relationship.  Now, it's not a bad thing, but it is bad when that person doesn't reciprocate the attachment.  I believe this guy does emotionally, but physically, he can't due to traveling.  But when he is home, he does have the attachment.  So, what is my rambling about?  It is forcing me to become more independent while he is away.  it is forcing me to go back to my hobbies, or find new ones.  I really want to take a few classes, like on glass making, and this may be the excuse that I was looking for.  Also, it is forcing me to not give up on my friends just because I am now in a relationship.  I really do think something good will come out of this, whether we work out or not, but this is a good thing for me.  He is helping me become a better person, whether he knows it or not.

I also celebrated the big 2-4 yesterday.  I was ecstatic to walk in to work and find a pink sock monkey for me, along with a balloon.  I was also given this jar that has an electric butterfly in it, and if you press the top, the butterfly will flap around the jar.  It suffices my ADD needs.  HA!  And, R was incredibly sweet to think of me and give me these gifts.  After work, a few of us went to the Cheesecake Factory for some fabulous food and drinks.  The waiter brought out a cheesecake with my name written.  I almost started to cry because I felt so special.  All I wanted for my birthday was to feel special, and my friends did an amazing job doing it.  We then went to a pub that had Karaoke, and it was AWESOME!  I had so much fun!  I was even serenaded!  HA!  Overall, it was the best birthday I could have ever asked for.

2012 is starting to look like it's going to be a fabulous year.  I look forward to so many opportunities with my friends, my family, my job, and my relationship.  I can't wait to share it all with you.

Cheers!

My First Christmas

Well, here it is: Holiday #2 of 3 to get through!  Though, I shouldn't say this has been a horrible experience.  It has been quite a trip though.  I've had lots of laughter, but I can't forget about the tears.

We celebrated our Christmas on Christmas Eve.  We had my sister and her kids come over for presents and dinner.  We also read the Christmas story out of Luke 2.  We opened our presents after dinner.  I got some pretty cool things.  I received a new camera, a few gift cards, my new tumbler glasses, and then, I opened a small box from Kay's.  My parents bought me this beautiful, black and white diamond dragonfly necklace.  When I first saw the small box, I immediately asked Mom, "Is this going to make me cry?"  And she said, "No."  Well, I did.  It was this beautiful, black and white diamond dragonfly necklace.  I looked up at my mom, and tears welled up in my eyes.  So many emotions came to surface in that moment.  It felt like time had stopped and everything came at me all at once.  I was happy to receive such a beautiful gift, so thankful to have amazing parents like mine.  But then, I had this other side of me that made me cry even more:  It shouldn't have been my parents to give me this beautiful gift.  It was "supposed to be" my husband.  But, well, we all know how that didn't happen.

So, I started crying.  Mom and I went in to the kitchen where I just cried.  I couldn't cry in front of the kids, and I needed my mom.  It all became fresh once again that I wasn't wanted by a man who was called my husband.  I am ok now, but it just hit me hard after I opened my present.

I have now come to this revelation: As much as our society makes this season about needing to be with family, needing to be with friends, needing to buy gifts for each other, we ultimately forget why we do celebrate this season.  We forget about the ultimate gift that we were given about 2000 years ago: A child was born in to a stall, and He was sent to die for all humanity.  Everything else fails in comparison to the best gift we could ever receive, and that is salvation.

So even in the midst of my tears, I have this gentle reminder that I have been given so much when I don't deserve it.  I have a Savior who loves me, and will always be there, even after the holidays.

Merry Christmas.

Killjoy

I had a moment today.

My mom and I went to Hobby Lobby to find some Christmas decorations and a few other things to get for my new cubicle at work.  As we were walking through the aisles of ornaments, lights, and garland, I silently thought back to a year ago with my ex-husband and I went through Hobby Lobby ourselves to find a stocking for me.  We had also talked about going out the day after Christmas to get Christmas decorations for the next Christmas.  Well, guess which Christmas we were referring to?  Yeop, this upcoming one.  (Even as I type this, tears are starting to well up in my eyes...)  I know that this is normal.  I know that I am still going to have moments like this where a memory will flash before me, and I'll get upset.

It's hard when someone makes a vow to you to love you through thick and thin and to be faithful only to you, then they strip it away from you as if it meant nothing to them.  Yea, I am feeling slightly upset right now.  I am once again torn at how I am supposed to feel, or what is the right thing to feel.  See, I don't want to give in to what human nature is telling me to feel.  I feel angry.  I am p/oed.  I am questioning.  I am shaking my fists.  The fist is so tight that my nails are digging in to the skin of my palm.  So, I guess "upset" is an understatement.

But why am I feeling this way?  I guess while sorting through my feelings, I've realized that I am upset because he broke his promise.  I've also realized that I am angry that things aren't going according to my plans.  Woah.  Break through point. 

The way I need to see it is that I can't plan things on my own because there are times God will just whisper, "Sorry, but I have better things in mind.  Your thoughts are not My thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.  My thoughts are so much higher and better than yours.  Trust me in this."  If you're like me and you need to plan things out for your life, that is such a killjoy to hear.  But at the same time, it's a very comforting thought that my God has everything under control, that He knows my needs better than I do.

OK, God, here are the reins once again.

Something Funny

I thought I would do a funny post tonight.  It's nothing much, but I hope you can get a chuckle out of it.

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest/Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day (<--This doesn't happen to me).

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said.

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.  (Especially on the Purdue campus!!)

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Social Acceptance

We were created to be social.  We were not meant to be isolated from one another.  It amazes me, though, how often we get caught up in the fact that we want to be accepted in social circles.

Especially me.

I live off of human interaction.  I love being able to talk to people and to get to know them.  But do you know what my issue is?  They don't want to get to know me.  I don't often fit in with certain circles.  And sometimes, that hurts, especially after last night. 

I went to a Christmas party where I knew everyone, but I felt very alone.  I found myself standing around, alone, and just watching people.  It was slightly intimidating.  But I know a few friends from work would be proud of me that I did that, especially since they want me to go to a movie or a restaurant by myself, but that will have to be something I do and then write about it.  Anyway, I felt alone, and somewhat hating it that I was there.  There were a few times that I almost left, but I just kept saying to myself to stay because, "it would get better."  Well, it really didn't.  I mean, I wasn't crying in the corner or anything, but I wasn't exactly smiling the entire night either.  It wasn't anyone's fault, per say, but I knew right from the beginning that I didn't belong in this type of crowd.  It's nothing they did, but it does suck when you really don't have anyone to talk to throughout the night. 

So, what's my point of this rambling nonsense?  Well, as I am writing out my thoughts, I keep thinking about what Christ has said about social acceptance for Christians: There is none. 

Ouch.  A little harsh, eh?  But I don't think He could make it any more clear.  Christ has stated flat out that the world will hate you because of Him.

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.  If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own.  As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.  That is why the world hates you."  John 15:18-19

"Everyone will hate you because of me."  Luke 21:17

Hmm...so much for acceptance.  My issue is that I want to be accepted and loved, but I can't help but reread the previous verses that it's not going to happen, at least, from the world.  But, I know I am loved by Someone who will accept me as I am.

One Down, Three to Go!

Sorry that this is a little late folks.  I have been very busy in my life, but I really wanted to write an update on how I did for my first Thanksgiving.

Welp, I survived my first major holiday as a single woman.  These last four days, I have been busy, yet it's been fun.  On Thanksgiving Day, my sister, her boyfriend, and my niece and nephew all came over.  My niece surprised me with this awesome place mat that she and my nephew made for me.  Of course, being the sap that I am, I started to tear up and hug her.  I love this little girl's hugs!  We ate the awesome food my mother made, and had an enjoyable time together.  There were a couple of times that I caught myself having a pity party, but I think I did fairly well, considering everything that I had been feeling for the last few weeks.

I've been wanting to write something for a while now about being thankful.  I have noticed that we complain so much about how our country is being ran, what is going on in government, the economy, the lack of jobs, of debt of the country.  We may have a lot of things going on in the country, but we should be thankful for what we do have.  We are still considered very rich compared to many countries in this world.  We are not stuck in a country where we have other tribes fighting against us and cause a genocide.  We aren't going through piles of trash just to find plastic bottles to earn money for our families to eat.  This may sound crass, but it really bothers me when I hear people complain about the jobs they have because they aren't being paid enough, or that they just aren't happy.  I want to lovingly state these facts:  To illustrate the income inequality between rich and poor countries, consider these facts: about 1.75 billion people live in multi-dimensional poverty, meaning extreme deprivation in education, health, and standard of living; 1.44 billion people out of the developing world's 6.9 billion people live on $1.25 per day; 2.6 billion people are estimated to be living on less than $2 a day. Multidimensional poverty varies by region from three percent in Europe and Central Asia to 65% in Sub-Saharan Africa.  This is according to the UN's 2010 Human Development Report. 

So, why should we make Thanksgiving a one-day event?  Shall we not make it something to practice every day?